January 24th
I helped my friends Marsley (Rhymes with Parsley) and Caroline
(Rhymes with toss all) (Well actually no it doesn’t
or it would be Carolossall, what I meant was it doesn’t
rhyme with anything) with their horses at a SHOW in the weekend.
We were showing Caroline and Marsley’s horses because
they are young and need the experience of being out and about
with a pile of other horses.
I don’t do shows normally, in fact I think they are
about as interesting as unraveling laundry lint which is something
else I don’t normally do and in fact, have never tried
but after today it’s looking like something I should
probably put on my ‘must do before I die’ list.
The only reason I did not keel over in an acute attack of
terminal boredom was because
a. The company was fun and
b. We brought alcohol with which to fortify ourselves.
The weird thing about people who normally ride in shows is
that they never look like they are enjoying themselves. *Until
they win a Champion ribbon.
*Most of them don’t win Champion ribbons.
January 18th
I arrived home from work to find Flossom perched up on top
of a large pile of paper.
“I’ve been following up on some paper work for
the Lambs” she said cheerfully.
“HUH?” I stuttered, unaware of the fact that
a. Flossom was capable of putting in an honest hours work
&
b. That the lambs needed any paper work done.
“It’s a car finance deal” she said, shuffling
around on top of the paper, “I’m just going over
it” she added, jumping onto the floor.
“The lambs are getting a car?” I knew they were
keen on travel – everytime we go to the block and leave
the back of the car open, we return to find the lot of them
piled into the back of the car.
“Yes,” said Flossom, “A Lamb Rover –
in green”.
January 17th
There is a spider residing in the bath tub.
I went to the bathroom late in the night, switched on the
light, shrieked and exited a lot faster than I had entered.
“BRENT!!!” I yelled, “Do you know there’s
a spider in the Bath Tub?”
“Not sure”, he said, “You hum the tune
and I’ll see if I recognise it”.
January 14th
Zeuss’s business cards were a hit with the Abyssinians.
It was Flossom who raised a very valid point. “Shouldn’t
there be some sort of list of your, er, services?”
Zeuss washed a paw to give himself time to think. “No
need” he said finally, “I think you’ll find
the word GOD says it all”.
“Does it?”
“Of course it does”.
“What DOES it say?” – This time from Grommart.
“Look”, said Zeuss, “I am what I am”.
“And that is…?” – Flossom.
“I am a GOD”
“And you DO what exactly?”
“Godly stuff” shouted Zeuss running outside to
avoid more questions.
“I think you might want to change those cards”
said Flossom, “maybe add a website?”
January 13th
Zeuss found the cat flap blocked by the dogs on his way home
from the night’s hunt.
“Out of my way” he yelled.
“Excuse me?” said Partly raising his head from
his paws to examine the belligerent Siamese cat before him.
“And you are?”He added, knowing perfectly well
who Zeuss is.
Zeuss puffed himself up importantly, “I am God of the
House and of Alpacas” he said.
“Have you any I.D.?”
“You what?”
“Identification” said Badger helpfully.
“I am a GOD” yelled Zeuss “and GODS don’t
NEED to carry I.D.”
“Well I’m sorry Sir”, said Partly, “but
you don’t look like a God and you don’t have any
I.D. so you can’t come in”. Badger nodded eagerly.
“What do you mean I don’t LOOK like a GOD?”
shouted Zeuss, bristling with indignation.
“Well,” said Partly thoughtfully, “I’d
have thought a God would more, DOG-like, really”
“More dog-like” said Badger, “Exactly”.
Zeuss stalked off muttering to himself and lay in the long
grass waiting for the dogs to vacate their spot. It wasn’t
long before a car went by and they ran off to hurl abuse at
it.
I was working at the computer when Zeuss came trotting in,
he leapt up onto the keyboard, “I need some business
cards” he said.
“Business cards? And what would you like them to say,
Zeuss?”
“’Z. Booster’” he said, “God”.
January 12th
Zeuss has become the world’s most opinionated cat.
“You’re fat” he told Flossom, “And
you need to own that”.
He told Grommart she had the mind of a tomato (fortunately
she was quite flattered by that), and he voiced his opinion
that Partly had all the work ethic of a goldfish.
“Would that be the indoor or outdoor variety?”
asked Partly politely.
“An upside down goldfish” said Zeuss, carefully
washing between his toes.
His opinions finally caught up with him this morning though
as he snuck into Brent’s car hoping to make it to Brent’s
work. They had barely got half way down the road when Zeuss
popped up from the back seat and proceeded to tell Brent how
he should be driving. I watched as the car slowed to a stop,
a door opened and the House God was ejected into the long
grass at the side of the road.
He ran home for a comforting hug; “I was only saying…”
he said.
January 11th
Jess and I took Fat Phantom and Nibbler for a ride and I got
the chance to test drive the ejector seat in the saddle.
It works.
Nibbler; sensing high wind bringing terminal G Force
inhibitors into play, must have helpfully pressed
THE button, for before I knew what had happened, I
was sailing upside down in the air over his head.
Two things went through my mind before I hit the ground
with a resounding thud;
*Oh no not again, and
* Bugger
The view, when you are lying upside down with a horse
sailing over you is interesting. They seem to have
a lot more hooves than you remember them having.
“Gawd” said Jess, “That looked
painful”.
Thanks to
The
Phantom is booked to go to Camp Fatty Boombahs.