September 29th
Zeuss told me he had an important announcement to make to the lambs.

He stood on top of the lamb pen and cleared his throat, “I BRING YOU GOOD NEWS” he boomed, looking down benignly on the three innocenti below.
“Is it in a bottle?” asked Moulamb.
Zeuss ignored her, “I have come to tell you that I AM GOD of the HOUSE” he said.
The lambs looked non-comprehendingly at each other.
“I AM GOD” yelled Zeuss, who had been expecting a lot more rapture about this announcement.
“So, what does that mean exactly?” asked Bedlamb.

It was Zeuss’s turn to look blank. “Well, erm, it means I’m God aren’t I” he said, quickly giving a paw a wash.
“I don’t know”, said Bedlamb, “Are you?”
“YES I AM”.
“That’s nice” – this time from Lambourg.
There was an awkward pause, during which Zeuss, God of the House, washed carefully between the toes of a back paw.
“Was there something else?” enquired Moulamb.
“No, that’s it really” said Zeuss, jumping down and galloping inside to find me.

“So how did it go Zeuss?” I asked, bending down to pick him up and give him a cuddle.
He sighed and pressed his nose into my ear, “Not great,” he said, “They’re Muslambs”.

September 28th

My Mother has been here for a brief visit, she will be back next week.

Relations between My Mother and Flossom have thawed considerably since she (My Mother) shared some of her fish dinner with her.

When Brent started to load My Mother’s bags into the car, right after breakfast, Flossom disappeared, only to reappear as My Mother was leaving wearing a new outfit.

“This is my ‘Waving Grandma a Fond Farewell’ costume” she said, dabbing a paw in her eye before waving regally as the car turned to go.

Brent and My Mother had barely gone 5 yards before Flossom looked up at me, “Right,” she said, “All that fare- welling has left me feeling famished, what’s for morning tea?”

 

September 25th

Due to her status in NZ’s Next Top Cat Model, Flossom has become very aware of fashion.

She stood at the window and watched the lambs gamboling in the paddock.

“Lamb’s wool”, she sniffed, “So last year”.

“Really?” I looked over my glasses at her in astonishment, “So, what is THIS year?”

She glared at me as she twirled around, giving me the full effect of her thick fur coat.

“I should think that would be obvious”, she said, “Lycra”.

 

September 24th

The lambs have formed a gang.

They are united woolly front against the dogs and cats who are following their every move.

“There should be a law against more than one lamb gathering together in one place” grumbled Partly, who was having trouble counting them.

Bludger, ever the heading dog, was busy trying to make sure they all kept together. “Can’t let them split up” she panted, “Never know what they will get up to”.

Zeuss sat on top of the lamb pen carefully and without concern, washing his paws. He was waiting for Flossom to get up and discover the sudden multiplication of lambs.

Eventually, she sauntered around the side of the house and suddenly stopped in her tracks.

“Ye Gods!” she shrieked, “that lamb has subdivided!” and she carefully backed away from the lambs back in the direction she had come from.

September 23th

Moulamb has been joined by two more lambs – Bedlamb and Lambourgini.

Zeuss kindly brought them a present – a dead rabbit.

“What’s this?” I asked, as he dropped the rabbit into the lamb pen.

“Lamb fuel” he bellowed, “You can’t expect those lambs to grow up without proper nutrition”.

“Zeuss, they don’t eat meat, they’re vegetarian”.

“What?” he roared, “By choice? Are they part of a cult?”

“It’s just the way they were born” I said.

“There has to be a pill for that”, he muttered retrieving his rabbit and taking it to show the other cats.

September 22nd

Swallows are flying by the windows looking for suitable real estate for nesting.

All 4 cats were perched in the window seat watching the swooping birds with interest.

“Oh,” I said, “How beautiful – I love swallows”.

“Swallows?” said Flossom eager to engage on anything remotely food related, “I think I prefer Gulps”.

September 21st

A new baby animal joined our family; Moulamb Rouge.
Small, woolly and curious, she was in trouble with Flossom almost as soon as she arrived.
Flossom was modeling for her celebrity facebook page, when the naïve Moulamb wandered over and started to nibble the fur on her (Flossom’s) tail causing the enraged supermodel to spin round and delivered a hefty left hook to the lamb’s woolly cheek. Moulamb rocketed backwards and sat stunned before approaching Flossom somewhat tentatively again. “I’m sorry,” said Moulamb, who is naturally very polite, “You see I thought you were a tussock”.
Flossom glared at her, “Do I look like a plant?” she growled.
Zeuss, ran over to sit next to Moulamb, whom he quite likes, “As a matter of fact Flossom,” he said, “You are exactly like a plant, only I’d have said VEGETABLE”, and he ushered the lamb away before Flossom had time to work out what he meant and/or Moulamb had time to try another bite.

September 20th

Flossom’s campaign to be NZ’s Next Top Cat Model is not going well.

Allegations of kidnapping causing the disappearance of Influence continue to plague her.

Without proof of Influence’s whereabouts, in Zeuss’s words, ‘Flossom hasn’t got a leg to stand on’.

It was Grommart who kindly pointed out that Flossom has 4 legs to stand on but that argument wasn’t helped by Flossom’s refusal to move from a crouched position on her cushion, making it impossible to verify the existence of one leg let alone 4.

“So you see,” said FBI Agent Z. Booster, puffing his fur out and strutting along the back of the couch, “It just proves my point, which is”, he continued quickly, before Grommart could ask and he forget, “that Flossom has NO Influence because she ATE HIM”, he shouted, amid gasps from the ‘cat gallery’.

September 17th

Zeuss has given up the job of being of being Flosspm’s manager and gone to back to the FBI (Feline Bureau of Investigations).

He said he was concerned to hear that Flossom still had Influence.

Grommart has been quite hysterical about this since Flossom admitted it last week.

D. I. Zeuss had his notebook out, interviewing Grommart.

“So tell me”, he said, “When did you last see Influence?”

Grommy looked thoughtful, “I don’t think I’ve ever actually met him”, she said.

“So, where would Flossom and Influences paths met?” said D. I. Zeuss to no one in particular. “And why would she want to take him hostage?”

“Probably something to do with food shortages in the kitchen”, said Sticky.

“Exactly” said the detective, twitching his whiskers and writing furiously in his notebook.
So that begs the question,” he continued, clearing his throat and looking keenly at each cat in turn, “What time is Dinner?”

September 16th

I decided to gently take Flossom aside to discuss her memoirs.

I sat on the bed and cradled her in my arms,

“Flossom”, I said, waking her up, “I’m not sure you’re quite ready to write your memoirs, I mean usually, when someone does this, they’ve achieved great things, or they’re very old and had a fascinating life.

“I’ve achieved stuff” came the sleepy reply followed by a yawn.

“Um, well, yes, of a sort – perhaps we should start by making a list of your achievements”.

Flossom agreed so she made a start.

1. Held Mummies flatmate hostage in bathroom . (I wasn’t sure Flossy should admit to that)

2. Took on top US dog trainer armed with two cushions; and won. (Again not really the sort of memory I had in mind)

3. Had close encounters with mice on two separate occasions.

4. Using skill and stealth caught a bird once. (Flossom’s version)
What really happened - The elderly bird, had a heart attack and fell into Flossom’s mouth while sleeping on her back in the shade of a tree.

5. Rode a peacock past the kitchen window. (yes I can verify that actually happened – I did witness that)

6. First cat to become Prime Minister.

“Flossom, that’s bollocks”.

“That’s an achievement”.

“Yes it would be, but you haven’t actually achieved that”.

“Yet”.

“Well you can’t put something in your memoirs that you haven’t done YET”.

“It’s on my ‘to do’ list”.

“Flossom”, I began, but she was already asleep, snoring gently and happily.

There’s just no point arguing with a cat.

September 15th

Flossom has made a start on her memoirs with Zuess volunteering (uncharacteristically) to be her editor.

I took a look at the manuscript.

‘If it were not for the eminent Dr Zuess Booster, I would be but an ordinary Tabby Tubby. The extraordinarily handsome, debonair and brilliant Doctor is at the forefront of my fame and therefore should be acknowledged as such. Dr Booster, as renowned for His good looks as His wit, devoted time out of His busy schedule to edit my memoirs, therefore this book is as much about Him as it is about me, an ordinary, rather plump moggy with a foul temper.’

I looked at Zeuss,

“Since when did you become a DOCTOR”?

“Oh, that, I got that yesterday”.

“How?”

“Erm, from the internet actually”.

“You bought a degree??”

“It came free with a can of jelly meat”.

I changed tack, “this is not what Flossom dictated to you is it Zeuss?”

“Um”, he said, looking slightly guilty, “It’s what she meant – I mean if you listen between the lines”.

I took the memoirs off him and threw them in the bin, and then I grabbed his doctorate, studied it and handed it back to him. It could be handy have a Doctor of ‘Godly Stuffology’ in the house.

September 14th

Flossom was sitting in the washing basket by the clothesline.

She’d been there for quite a while before I began to wonder what she was doing.

I went out to talk to her.

“Are you ok Flossy?”

“Yes, fine thank you”.

“You’re not stuck are you?”

“Of course not, I’m waiting”.

“Waiting for what?”

“To go to Auckland to the Top Cat Model Finals”.

“In a washing basket?”

“This is a Tabby Transportation Unit” she said, looking very pleased with herself.

“It is?”

“Zeuss discovered it”.

I might have guessed.

September 13th

The horses were quietly discussing the merits of clover when they were disturbed by an apparition...

September 11th

I'm speechless.

September 10th
Flossom sat on the bed glaring down imperiously at the Abyssinians.

“Can we come up there too?” asked Sticky politely.

“I don’t think so” said Flossom.

“Erm, why?”

“Have you got a pass?”

“What pass?”

“The pass you need”.

“We need a pass?”

“I’m a very famous cat”.

“You are?”

“And I have INFLUENCE”.

“Are you holding him hostage?” said Sticky.

“Who is Influence?” said Grommart, just as Zeuss marched in the door and sized up the situation.

“The word Flossom is looking for,” he said, “is FLATULENCE”.

 

 

September 9th
The competition has gone to Flossom’s head; I knew it would.
I caught her sneaking out the door wearing the most preposterous costume.

“Where do you think you’re going wearing that?” I demanded.
“Um, just out, meeting a few friends, you know”.

That’s the first I knew that Flossom even had any friends.

“You can’t go out looking like that!” I said, echoing the very same words my Mother used to say to me.
“Can’t I?”
“Flossom, you’re about to go for a walk in a paddock, not a runway, and since when have you had your navel pierced?”
“What naval?” she said
“That navel”
“That’s a naval?”
“Of course it is”
“Do I have an army too?”
“You’ve got two of them” shouted Zeuss through the cat door where he and Sticky were waiting for her.
“Flossom IS well armed” said Grommart, much to the hilarity of the others.

I sighed and let her go. “I’m too sexy for my fur” she sang as she squeezed through the cat door.

September 8th

I caught Zeuss peering at Flossom’s sleeping face whilst jotting down stuff in his notebook.

As he saw me approaching he snapped it shut. I asked him what he was doing and he muttered something about taking up drawing.

I took his notebook and turned to the page he had been writing on…

1. Shave Fur

2. Gastric Bypass

3. Nose job (elongate)

4. Cheek Bone Implants

5. Ear Job (Enlarge)

6. Dye fur (acceptable colours - sepia brown and cream)

7. Blue contact lenses

8. Trim unruly whiskers

9. Sense of Humour Implant

“Zeuss”, I said, “You wouldn’t be trying to turn her into a Siamese cat would you?”

“It’s the look of the moment” he said.

September 7th
Zeuss and Sticky refuse to take Flossom’s career seriously.
“Next thing you know,” said Zeuss, “She will be appearing on a show called ‘That Cats got Talent’”.
Sticky snuffled loudly, “I’m thinking – ‘When Good Cats go Bad’”, he giggled.

Grommart walked in and sat in the sun plucking her chest fur. “’The Young and the Furless’” shrieked Zeuss which resulted in both cats laughing so much they fell off the couch.

Then Flossom wandered in wearing a new costume she’d been trying on for a modeling shoot.”Oh Moi Gawd” yelled Zeuss, slapping his thigh and snorting deliriously “Here’s the star of tonight’s show ‘Grand Delusions’”.

I dumped both cats outside and locked the cat flap.

 

 

 

September 6th
Flossom has been practicing a new way of speaking.

“Would you like some Num Nums?” I asked at dinner.
“Oh Yaa” she said.
“And how would you like them Flossie?”
“Wit a larsh amount of first claz cheez” she said.

Sticky and Zeuss leaned on each other shaking with mirth; a sure sign that whatever this was about they were behind it.
“OK guys,” I said, “what’s going on?”
Zeuss cleared his throat trying to keep a straight face, “I may have mentioned the little known fact that real super models have a foreign accent” he whispered.
“She’s practicing for her TV debut” roared Sticky as they collapsed in a heap, slapping their paws and giggling uncontrollably.

September 5th

Brent and I arrived home late to a bunch of disgruntled, starving cats.

After dinner I sat down with Flossom and discussed her voting campaign for NZ’s Next Top Cat Model.

“I think you need to find a charity to support”, I said. “Something like ‘The Cat’s Protection League’”.

Flossy looked at Zeuss who was frantically signing by pointing at his mouth and rubbing his stomach.

“I’d like to start my own charity organization” she said.

“That’s wonderful!” I exclaimed, delighted that she should show such generosity towards underprivileged cats, “What will you call it?”

“The F. MacFearsome Trust Fund for On Time Meal Deployment” she said.
Zeuss nodded vigorously.

 

 

 

September 4th

Flossom had an interview with the local Newspaper today. ”Of course,” she said, “I work hard at what I do”.

“And what is that?” asked the reporter.

“The stuff I do” said Flossom, disappearing out the cat door before she could elaborate, leaving me to speak on her behalf.

“So, how will Flossom cope, if she doesn’t win?”

I explained that I had a team of counselors and an NLP therapist in place to deal with such trauma should it happen.

“Where will her career take her from here do you think?”

Zeuss, sitting on the bench behind us, cleared his throat. “Let me take this one” he said to me, “Swimsuit Modeling is an option we are exploring”, he said.

I picked him up and carried him off to shut him in the next room before he could mention any more of his bright ideas. “But I’ve arranged Botox and a boob job for her” he yelled through the closing door.

Fortunately the reporter did not speak Siamese so his outburst went ignored.

Flossom returned to climb on top of the biscuit barrel. : Just wondering when dinner is” she said, “I’m feeling a bit peckish”.

“So you’re obviously not one of those models who starves herself then”, observed the reporter.

Flossy glared at her, “Actually,” she said, “I do starve myself between meals, it’s not easy, but I do it for my craft”.

Flossom takes herself very seriously these days.

September 3rd