October 31st
The lambs appear to have purchased a Megaphone.

They stand under the bedroom window at exactly 6am every morning and chant into it; a trio of woolly foghorns impossible to ignore.

“It’s those sodding Muslambs at it again” groaned Zeuss, covering his ears and snuggling into my chest.

October 30th
My Mother had a night out with her friend Free, who is staying with her and a neighbour – who took them in his car.

According to My Mother, who sounded very perky on the phone this morning; they went to the A & E Department of the Hospital.

“What on earth for?” I demanded.

“Well, there was nothing else on dear”, said my Mother, “and as it was there was hardly anyone there, we were home by 11.30pm”; she sounded a little disappointed.

She has come away with a goodie bag containing a halter monitor with the hospital logo on it.

“I’m going to wear it to lunch today” she said cheerfully; “When you get to my age, this sort of gear is very fashionable you know, it goes with my hearing aids”.

October 29th
Zeuss has a new uniform.
He informed me that he is now Head of a new Task Force especially set up as a counter response to the rising number of Bad Hare Days.

October 28th
I did lunch with my other friend named Caroline.

We talked business for about 5 minutes – as it was a ‘business meeting’ and then we noticed members of the recently Tele Transported Chinese Army standing around admiring plants in the next door garden centre.

Of course that had to be investigated; what sort of plants were they interested in and why would they get them at the Mitre 10 Mega Store?

As it turned out, they were not buying anything; they were garden ornaments.

I’m thinking something went wrong with the re-entry but at least we now know where most of the members of the Chinese Army may have ended up.

 

October 27th
I am doing a workshop on Creative Journaling. (With Katz cowley - wonderful)
It is teaching me to be a Creative Journalist.

Due to my dyslexia, I thought I had enrolled in a course that was going to teach me to be a Creative Genius.

Imagine my surprise.

 

 

 

 

 

 

October 26th
Poor Nibbler.

As if two nights in a paddock full of Night Mares wasn’t enough, he has now gone to ‘Fat Camp’ with a bunch of equally fat geldings.

You know it’s seriously time to do something about your horses weight when people keep asking you things like, “Is she a brood mare?” (‘No, He is the world’s first pregnant gelding’); “Is he a Warm Blood?” (Actually, no, he’s a horizontally challenged thoroughbred)

 

 

 

 

 

October 25th
An exhausted Nibbler tiptoed over to me when I got to the paddock. “Get me out of here” he whispered.

He looked as though he’d lost about 100kg overnight. I led him to the yards where, out of sight of the mares, he relaxed his stomach muscles. 100kg appeared like magic around his middle again.

On the ride, he bragged to the other geldings about his night out with the girls. “Fantastic” he said, “They love me”. The others were terribly impressed; especially Bounce who made a mental note to be just like Nibbler when he grew up.

He was impeccably behaved on a terrific ride out through rivers and into woolly scrub country.

Nibbler charged back like a guided missile, eager to get on the float and back to Phantom and Persil – “They’ll want to know all about my night with the GIRLS” he said.

Then I had to confess to him he was to spend another night in the mare paddock. He looked aghast.

“Um, I thought you’d like that Nibbler”.

“Bunch of fat hairy dykes, the whole lot of them” he roared.

I glared at him, I understand man-speak and I certainly understood what Nibbler had meant to say; None of the mares were interested in him.

October 24th
Caroline and I took Nibbler and Bounce for a ‘quiet’ road ride.

Bounce has only just been started under saddle – he’s rather fabulous and has been beautifully behaved. This was his first road ride out with just one other horse.

Nibbler looked kindly at Bounce and decided that here was someone he could mentor.

Bounce, in turn, was very impressed by the enormous Nibbler who currently looks as though he consumes about a gallon of Port a day.

We hadn’t got very far down the road when suddenly Nibbler stopped and threw his head up in the air. Bounce followed suit; “What is it?” he whispered.

“Over there”, said Nibbler, “On the gate, be very careful – it could be…a SIGN”.

Bounce nervously edged his way past the sign on the gate and we continued up to the cross roads where we agreed to turn back.

“Righto” said Nibbler cheerfully, “The correct protocol on the way home is to leap into a gallop – are you ready young man?”

Bounce nodded his head and spun round, leaping forward eagerly, “Now put a buck into that leap” shouted Nibbler, bouncing with excitement – “It shows your Mother who is Boss”.

Bounce obliged and was rudely pulled up by Caroline and made to do several side passes and some marching backwards.

He looked at Nibbler accusingly.

“Ah” said Nibbler, “I’ll have to teach you how to do that properly – maybe later…in the paddock aye what My Son?”

That night we separated them and Nibbler was put into a paddock full of bolshy mares. I doubt he’ll be so full of ‘good advice’ tomorrow

 

October 23rd
I realise I have to get to know the back of my hand after accusing Zeuss of holding a dissection class in the middle of the lounge the night before.

He denied all knowledge of it so I told him that I knew it was him because I know him like I know the back of my hand.

“Really?” said Zeuss, checking to make sure the other cats were listening, “So what sort of hobbies does the back of your hand do? What is its favourite colour? Who is its best friend?”

???

October 22nd
Flossom has a year’s subscription to NZ Pet Magazine as part of her winnings from NZ’s Next Top Cat Model.

The cats all clustered around and leafed through the pile of magazines NZ Pet Mag had kindly sent.

About half an hour went by when suddenly a raucous fight broke out; I shoved them all outside to cool off for half an hour before allowing them back inside for a talk and an explanation.

“Sticky and Zeuss were ogling the pictures of the unspeyed queens”, said Flossom sulkily.

I turned to the boys with a raised eyebrow, “Bollocks”, yelled Zeuss, “We were reading the particularly fascinating articles”.

“Ask them what those ‘articles’ are about”, demanded Flossom.

“Actually”, said Zeuss, “I would love to talk about that but er, we, er have a very important appointment with a very wise, elderly Rabbite”
“Yes” said Sticky, “A Jewish Rabbite”.

And they ducked back out the cat flap before I could catch them.

October 21st
My hand has been vaccinated against Pulpy Kidney and Toxoplasmosis.

I vaccinated the lambs at the same time.

I got quite good at it by the third lamb and would have vaccinated my other hand is I hadn’t run out of vaccine.

Next month I’ll try worming myself.

October 20th
I went to an art class as a student today.

We had to introduce ourselves just like an AA meeting.

“Hello,” I felt like saying, “I’m Cathy and I’m an impulsive creative dyslexic with equine issues”.

Then we got to draw stuff with a black biro and I enjoyed myself so much I didn’t want to go home.

*They had to forcibly remove me from the art shop with the help of the entire NZ Army backed up by the Christchurch Police department. The police had Tasers.

*I may have exaggerated about the Tasers.

Feather drawn pure contour (without looking at the paper), then with left hand, then some looking.

Lilies drawn at home under the influence of a glass of wine.

October 19th
A box of goodies arrived addressed to Flossom MacFearsome from Mark Vette’s Talent on Q Agency.
She is now on their books as a cat with Talent.
Surprisingly, when Zeuss first heard about this he didn’t have much to say about it, however I caught him and Sticky later, sniggering over a list they had made of Flossom’s possible talents and their use in films. I took it off them to read it.

1. Ability to cram up to 30 biscuits in mouth at once – great for when she gets the part of The Godfather in the next mafia film.
2. Uncanny ability to sensing meals – For the upcoming reality TV show , Sensing Dinner
3. Ability to snore at around 50 decibels – cheap substitute for the noise of a Harley Davidson Motor Bike
4. Able to lay upside down for long periods – useful, Zeuss said, for playing a dead cat on a crime show.

“I think you’ll find she can do a lot more than that, boys”, I said.
Zeuss stared into space, “Oh yeah,” he said, “I forgot to put down her extraordinary ability to tap dance a swing set while playing the harmonica and farting the National Anthem” .

October 18th
I went to the house with Brent to help him with his tools.
We spent most of the morning rounding them up.

When we finally corralled them into the kitchen, we were missing The Lambs Wool Applicator.
Brent finally found it hiding in the laundry and brought the sheepish looking mop over to show me.
“Look”, he said, “this is it; it’s brilliant”.

It didn’t look particularly brilliant to me.
We spent the rest of the day happily sanding, varnishing and sniffing polyurethane; as you do.

 

 

 

 

October 15th
Brent had to get a ‘Lambswool Applicator” to slosh oil onto the wooden floors of his house.

“Is there different grades of ‘Lambswool Applicators?” He asked the salesman, “Only I was just wondering as we have 3 lambs at home”.

I glared at him.

“Not”, he said quickly, “that I was thinking of using one of them”.

October14th
Brent stayed over at the house again; with his tools.
I left him happily laying tiles in the laundry; his tools were lazing around watching him.
I can’t believe he actually enjoys doing this stuff, I’d rather stick pins in my eyes; in fact, I think I will.

 

 

 

October 13th
Brent has taken the week off to finish the house in town.

It means he gets to take his tools out every day.

He was over the moon with joy to discover he needed a new tool - that meant a trip to a ‘Man-Store’ to have a look at the latest range of power tools.

Brent was practically frothing at the mouth, he browsed slowly up and down the aisles lovingly patting a tool here and tool there. I was so bored I ended up poking my eyes out with hole-punch.*

“Power tools,” sighed Brent, holding something tool shaped and waving it happily at me.

Finally, about 3 months* later, we made it.

Brent stayed the night at the house, introducing his new tool to his old ones and helping it settle in.

I headed home to feed the pests.

*I may not have actually poked my eyes out.

*Or was it 4?

October 12th
Walking outside now requires strategic planning to avoid being ‘Lambushed’.

Three woolly guided missiles with milk sensing devices tuned in to the sound of a door opening hone in on ones knee caps at the speed of lamb – around 186,000 hoof beats a second.

“Crikey” said Persil, clearly impressed as he watched me grapple with the lambs, dogs, washing and gumboots; “what’s that you’re doing there – is it a new form of cross-country?”

October 9th
I ducked out to put the lambs to bed but there was no sign of them. When I called, a disheveled looking Bedlamb emerged around the corner.

I followed him to discover Partly entertaining Moulamb and Lambo in the kennel. Bludger was hanging around indignantly waiting for the lambs to leave, there was no sign of that happening any time soon, the lambs were firmly ensconced, happily listening to Partly regale them with tall tales of his ‘working’ life. “And so thanks to me,” he said, puffing his hairy chest out importantly, “those cattle never bothered the sheep again”.

October 8th
Flossom was making enquiries into My Mother’s whereabouts. They have become quite fond of each other.

Before D.I. Zeuss could get involved I called a group meeting and let them know that she had flown home.

Flossom’s eyes widened considerably, “She flew?” she gasped, “With wings?”

“And propellers”, I said.

Flossom and Grommart looked each other, Zeuss and Sticky stared up into the sky .

A huge unasked question hung in the air and stayed there most of the morning.

October 7th
My Mother was giving the lambs ‘The Look’.

They were clattering around on the deck demanding their bottles. They had just been fed about an hour before.

“They’re Obsessive Compulsives”, said my Mother authoritatively, “They need help”.

I said I’d take them to a counselor immediately.

“Or;” said My Mother, “We could have a Brandy”.

 

 

October 6th
Brent stayed home with ‘Man-Tonsillitis’, which, as everyone knows; being a ‘Man-Illness’, can easily be fatal without proper care and attention, so I left him at home with Nurse Possovitz (Flossom).

My Mother arrived and Brent perked up.

“Have you still got your tonsils?” she asked, clearly astonished that a man of his age would still be in possession of such things.

“Yes” said Brent proudly, “I still have everything”.

Zeuss began to say something about a trip to the vet fixing that, but I managed to shut him up.

My Mother looked around and sighed happily, “Well”, she said, “I think it is time for a Brandy”.

October 5th
My Mother is returning for a few days after being down in G’Ore visiting her sister The Aunt Jen.

I shall have to give the house a polish in between feeding lambs, working, and cooking a meal.

Flossom said she would help; then went back to sleep. Brent gave the bathroom a ‘Man-Clean’ which meant he sprayed some stuff around.

The Phantom helpfully wiped his nose all over the kitchen window giving it an opaque streaked effect and the dogs have been busy plastering the front door windows with mud, especially carted up from the paddock between their toes.

I think I’d better get some brandy ready.

October 4th
Flossom sat morosely watching Moulamb totter past the window.

“I don’t know what the point of those lambs being in High Heels is”, she sniffed, “It’s not as if they are going to be Top Models”.

I started to explain to her that the lambs were not actually wearing heels but stopped as I took another look at Moulamb.

October 2nd
Zeuss has seen one too many Star Trek Movies.

As I prepared yet another feed for the lambs, I heard him discussing them with the Abbysinnians.

“Obviously”, he said, “Mum is the Mother Sheep”.

Sticky and Grommart nodded, staring at me with a new understanding.

“When she goes out there”, Zeuss continued, “Those lambs dock themselves onto the Mother Sheep and Fuel Up – that’s what those bottles are – Fuel Storage Units”.

He looked over at me just in time to catch my incredulous stare.

“Beam me up Mummy” he said.

October 1st
NZ’s Next Top Cat Model drew to a close and the winner was chosen. It was not Flossom so I have drawn on a team of councilors and therapists from around the world to work with her as I am worried about her mental health.

I sat next to her as she lay on the floor, “Flossom”, I said gently, “I’m afraid I have some bad news”.

“OH NO!” said Flossom, “I have to say, I’ve been expecting it”.

“Have you? “

“Yep” she sighed.

She rolled over to face me.

“I think you should have won Flossy”, I said.

“Well I wouldn’t mind one”, she said, “If I can have it now”.

“I beg your pardon?” I said.

“A snack, “she said; “that is what you came to tell me isn’t it? That dinner would be delayed?”

I’ll tell her tomorrow.