April 30th
Flossom’s day revolves around eating, snoozing and waiting
for Brent to get home.
She sits on the arm of Brent’s chair as he eats dinner,
listening to him attentively and admiring his food.
“Don’t mind if I do”, she said as he passed her
a small piece of cheesy Lentil Loaf.
“I am a wee bit peckish,” she said, five minutes later.
“So, what did you do today Flossom?” asked Brent.
“Actually,” said Flossom, puffing her fur out and
looking very pleased with herself, “Management stuff”,
she nodded and stared into space.
“Management?” said Brent, clearly impressed, “What
sort of management stuff?”
“Oh, you know”, she said, casually washing between
her toes, “The kind of stuff Managers do”.
“And that would be, exactly?”
Zeuss, who had been snuggling into my neck, suddenly looked up
at me,
“That would be Corpulence Management,” he yelled.
May 1st
It’s getting cold now which means the bed is getting crowded
at night.
Flossom and Brent take up most of the bed space.
“We really are going have to get a bigger bed,” I
moaned to Zeuss as we lay listening to Flossom snoring loud enough
to be mistaken for a Harley Davidson.
“Or, “ said Zeuss, “You could get a smaller
cat”.
2nd May
The winter weather has set in.
After a beautiful morning, during which I had removed all the
horses’ covers, a thunder storm suddenly ripped in and
dumped a load of hail with it.
The horses stood pathetically shivering way down the opposite
end of the paddock and made no attempt to come up when I called
them.
It was up to me to trudge down to the end of the paddock, lugging
three heavy canvas covers, battered by hail stones the size of
plums.
I made it and rugged each of the horses in turn, dusting the
hail off their rumps first, as the thunder boomed and the lightening
lit up the sky in spectacular fashion.
“Brrrr” said Persil, “we were wondering how
long it would take you to get down here”.
“I won the bet”, said The Phantom happily, “Exactly
5 minutes and 45 seconds before you could be arsed getting out
here to rug us up”.
I turned to make my way back up the paddock only to notice that
the storm had moved away. The hail had stopped, the sun was breaking
through and the wind had died down.
All three horses accompanied me back to the house.
“SO, um, covers off now is it?” said the Phantom.
I glared at him and stomped into the house. As I did I heard
Persil say gleefully, “Er that would be a NOOO, Phantom”.
The cats had all been watching from the bay window in the lounge. “Great
show”, said Zeuss, “however we all felt it lacked
a little on the dramatic side”.
“The lighting was very good,” said Sticky,
“I loved the sound the sound effects”, the ever positive
Grommart chimed in.
“Is it half time yet?” said Flossom, “I’m
famished”.
3rd May
We had Erana and Jason round for dinner and I cooked.
There was a flurry of txt messages as I was cooking.
Having already established that they don’t eat fish of
any kind, I was busy flinging piles of mushrooms into my vegetable
lasagna when I got a txt from Erana…DID I MENTION OUR
AVERSION TO MUSHROOMS?
I spent the next ten minutes fossocking around picking about
150 mushrooms out.
When they arrived, they received a thorough cat scan from Flossom,
who then spent the entire night perched in various places staring
intently at Brent.
“What is she doing?” I managed to whisper to Zeuss.
“She thinks they might take Brent home with them”,
he whispered back.
3rd May
I had to pay a visit to my accountant.
He’s a great guy, but when he starts talking about TAX stuff;
which is, let’s face it, what I am there for; my eyes glaze
over and I have to put my schmart glasses on so he won’t
notice.
I sit and stare at him with what I hope is an intelligent, thoughtful
expression. I marvel at the way his hair is dead straight like
my fathers’ used to be and how it sits on his head perkily
and I wonder how I would draw that. Occasionally I nod my head
and I really think I have him fooled.
“Right”, he says, showing me to the door eventually, “you
bring those files in and I’ll get started”.
Files?
He has obviously mistaken me for somebody who has files.
4th May
Grommart has a new name – Pious G.
She has become a fundamentalist self righteous pain in the bum
after meeting a strange cat who told her the world was about
to end.
She now believes there is about to be a ‘revelation’ in
which all the Righteous Dog believing cats will be swept up to
a place of soft cushions, warmth and never ending roast chicken
dinners while the other non-believers will remain living a life
filled with rabbit flavoured jellymeat, which as any cat will
tell you, tastes nothing like the real thing.
Grommart is completely swept away with it all. I shouldn’t
be surprised, she always has been a cat of very little brain
who tends to be easily led, but this is getting ridiculous.
“From now on”, she announced, “there will
be no cussing in this house”.
“What?” said Zeuss, “not even the ‘F’ WORD?”
“Especially not the ‘F’ WORD” yelled
Grommart.
Zeuss and Sticky looked at each other and smirked, and then looked
at Flossom.
“What shall we call her now then?” said Zeuss.
5th May
I’m
going to go back to the GYM.
I’ve not been for months – I’ve got no
excuse really, at least not a one that is truthful.
So I bought a new pair of GYM pants especially for my big debut
(and my big de Butt) and I thought when I tried them on in
the shop that they made me look quite fast and almost, sleek.
However when I got home and tried them on again (as you do)
and took another look in my mirror, I got a bit of a fright.
There was a small rather portly, bleary eyed species of pachyderm
staring back at me.
I’ve no idea where I got to.
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