July 24th
My Mother has been very perky lately.
She’s been busy sorting out ‘stuff’ for my
Aunt Joy, and if there’s one thing MY Mother loves to do,
it’s sorting and organizing stuff.
“So what sort of ‘stuff’ are you sorting Mum?” I
asked.
“Oh you know”, she said, “all sorts of tidilly
poms”.
Talking to my Mother these days requires the code breaking skills
of the CIB, fortunately I am usually able to crack it however,
the next piece of news was a little more difficult – “You’ll
never guess who has been in to see Joy,” she said breathlessly.
Several possibilities ran through my mind including, Bono, The
Pope and Elvis Presley before I had to concede that she was right,
I would never guess, “Who?” I asked.
“What’s her name who used to live, well you know
where they used to live, the one who was married to thingame,” she
said.
Fantastic; they really should get my Mother to read the News
at 6.
July
25th
My elderly Aunt Joy is determined to get herself an electric
wheel chair.
She went from a snazzy little car in which she clocked up multiple
speeding tickets to a very sporty looking mobility scooter (the
highly polished floors of her rest home have since been redecorated
with black rubber tyre tracks on every corner).
She’s now quite keen on getting an electric wheelchair
but hers will need modifications.
For a start, it will need a large drinks cabinet and a roll
cage.
July 26th
My Mother has got some hearing aids, finally.
For the amount of money they cost I was surprised to hear her
say you can’t even see them. If I had designed them on
that sort of budget, I would have combined an antennae into a
sort of fascinator, dripping with jewels and feathers. I’d
have made it so that she could pick up the concert program and
be located by GPS no matter where she is.
“So, can you hear any better?” I asked.
“Well, yes”, she said, “Mostly I can hear
myself and I seem to make a lot of noise”.
July 27th
Janine and I have decided to start a proper diet.
Janine is simply aiming to get her jeans done up, however
I am aiming to prevent being mistaken for the Mother of all
Tele Tubbys.
July 28th
I dieted all day.
A whole day of Dietary diligence! Imagine my surprise.
I told My Mother about it later on the phone.
“My thoughts are with you” she said.
This explains a lot about My Mother; I’ll send them
back immediately.
July 29th
I obviously forgot to send my Mother’s thoughts back.
I found myself organising the kitchen cupboard, ironing a
huge pile of tea towels and now I’m thinking a brandy
would go down a treat.
I’d better send them back to her before anyone notices
that whatever thoughts I have, are not my own.
