Feb 1st

The Phantom and I went for another long road ride. I’m getting him habituated to Bikes, Trucks, Goats and Road Markings.

The council has just re-sprayed the Stop sign markings and the new paint is very bright and sparkles. Of course The Phantom noticed this from about a mile away.

“I’M NOT GOING NEAR THAT!!” he roared.

“Yes you are”.

“NO I’M NOT”

“YES YOU ARE”.

We argued our way up to the new paint. I pushed him on intending that he walk sensibly over it. He jumped and cleared it by about six feet.

“Whew,” he said, “you just never know how high those things are”.

Feb 2nd

I had to get some blood tests done.
To my surprise I was ushered in as soon as I got there by an overenthusiastic phlebotomist with a personality disorder.

“Hi there,” I said, being of friendly disposition, “I actually just came to read your magazines and chit chat in the waiting room”. “Sit down,” she said sternly.

“I’ve got nervous veins”, I said, “they see a needle and they disappear”.
“We’ll see about that,” she said, promptly selecting the biggest needle I’ve ever seen used on a human, obviously reserved for smart-arses like myself.

Before I had time to slide out the door, she’d slapped a tourniquet on me and jabbed me with the sort of force needed to inoculate a bull. I jumped backwards with a yelp.
“OH!” she said, “well THAT doesn’t help”.

Later at home, I relayed my story of pain to Brent, I was hoping for a sympathetic ear.
“I don’t know what her problem was,” I wailed, “Last time I was there I struck a great nurse”. “And she didn’t mind?” said Brent.

I looked at him with a raised eyebrow – it’s a technique I’ve perfected for eliciting more information. “That you struck her,” said Brent.

Feb 3rd

Brent and I were out for most of the day.

We left Flossom, the World’s Second Laziest P.A. (Next to J. Beinstein) to field phone calls, faxes, Jehovahs Witnesses etc.

When we got home, Flossy was exactly where we had left her, 6 hours before; on the bed, sprawled out flat on her back in the sun, looking supremely comfortable, propped, as she was between two cushions.

“Well Flossy?” said Brent, “Any phone calls?”

“Mrrrm”.

“And what exactly have you achieved today, Flossom?”

She yawned and stretched, “I could do with a snack” she said, “its not easy being a Personal Assistant you know”.

After she had polished off a plateful of ‘Festive Ham’, she sauntered up to Brent, and sat beside him on the arm of his chair. “Now, about my pay rise…” she said.

 

Feb 4th

Persil is being allowed out at for some night-time verge-side grazing. He’s very good and doesn’t go very far. Brent and I wandered down to collect him at about 10pm. It was nice in the cool, quiet, evening with Persil happily swinging along beside us.

Suddenly a great booming voice rang out across the paddock, “PUT your paws in the air and step forward”. We did as we were told.

“Now step back”.

I looked at Brent, he shrugged and we stepped back.

“Now put your right foot forward and shake it all about” the voice boomed as D. I. Zeuss stepped forward into the moonlight, closely followed by his new Deputy, The Phantom.

D. I. Zeuss looked very pleased with himself, The Phantom was having trouble stifling the giggles.

“You are all under HORSE arrest, we are here to escort you home, do NOT try to escape or we shall make you do the entire Hokey Tokey”, said D. I. Zeuss.

“Crikey,” said Persil, “I’d say the Detective has had a bit much Festive Ham”.