Feb 5th
Constable Phantom has been assisting D. I. Zeuss with his
ongoing enquiries into Badger’s missing leg.
I found the Constable shaking one of my gumboots vigorously up
and down.
“Phantom…what the?”
“Missing legs”, he said, “I’m looking for
a missing leg”.
“But what makes you think it would be in my gumboot?”
“It has been my observation”, said Phantom, who was
beginning to sound remarkably like D. I. Zeuss, “that legs
go in here”.
I took it off him and returned it to the porch.
Ten minutes later I looked up from my computer to see him carting
one of Brent’s running shoes off for inspection. I went out
to return it and bumped into Persil on the way, “Thorough
isn’t he”, said Persil.
Feb 6th
Having a Deputy in the field, is allowing D. I. Zeuss
to concentrate on the more important aspects of solving
crime. This seems, on the outside at least, to consist
of snoozing in the sun, but D. I. Zeuss assured me that
he was, in fact, digesting important information.
“In the form of a large rabbit,” said Flossom.
I turned to Zeuss for confirmation, one look at the suspiciously
rabbit shaped lump in his belly was all I needed.
“My informant told me,” said D. I. Zeuss, “that
the suspect I cleverly apprehended last night, was seen
hopping away from the scene of the crime”.
“What crime?”
“The LEG HEIST”, bellowed D. I. Zeuss, twitching
his whiskers for effect, “and there is only ONE reason
for a suspect to be HOPPING, and we ALL know what THAT
is”…he looked to the others for confirmation, “An
extra leg!” yelled Grommart, brimming with enthusiasm
and excitement.
“Well done that cat”, said D. I. Zeuss.
“Zeuss,” I said, “I hate to burst your
bubble, but your suspect was a rabbit and hopping is what
rabbits do best”.
But it was too late, Zeuss was oblivious to any argument,
he’d gone back to crime solving, bathed, as he was,
in the warm afternoon sun, stretched out comfortably on
his favourite cushion.
Feb 7th
Flossom MacFearsome, the 2nd laziest P.A. in the world,
is thinking about a change of career.
“Ballet Dancer.”
Zeuss guffawed loudly, “I think you mean BELLY dancer” he
said.
Flossy ignored him and continued, “I like the costumes,” she
said dreamily.
I carried her out of Zeuss’s hearing, “Flossy”,
I said, “You can’t just get up on stage in
a nice costume and sleep, you know”.
She pulled her face away from my ear and glared at me, “Obviously”,
she said, “You’ve never heard of Sleeping Beauty”.
Feb 8th
Flossom’s production of The Sleeping Beauty
is in full swing.
She is taking the role very seriously, rehearsing
her part for up to ten hours a day.
Zeuss, surprisingly volunteered for the role of the
Handsome Prince.
“Halloo”, he said, “I believe the
Prince is handsome and charming and we all know there’s
only one cat around here who fits those specifications”.
I was amazed to see Sticky nodding happily. I took
him aside and gave him a cuddle, “You don’t
mind that Zeuss gets to play the Prince?”
He smirked, “Ah, noo,” he said, “You
see, Zeuss hasn’t read the script; we’ll
see just how handsome and charming the Prince is feeling
when he gets to the part where he has to KISS The Sleeping
Beauty”.
Feb 9th
There is less than a week to go before Flossom’s
production of Sleeping Beauty makes its debut, and
Zeuss has made no attempt to learn his lines.
“N.A.R.” he boasted, “No Acting
Required”.
He’s convinced that all he has to do is prance
about the stage being charming and handsome.
I caught sight of Flossom, diligently rehearsing
the art of unconciousness in the middle of a warm
mound of hay.
“Zeuss”, I sighed, “Do you even
know what Sleeping Beauty is about?”
“Of course I do,” he retorted, “It’s
about a handsome and charming prince”.
“And the Sleeping Beauty bit?”
“Well, that’s the Prince’s horse,
sort of like BLACK beauty only this horse sleeps
a lot”.
“So I gather, Flossy would be playing the
part of the horse?”
“Oh No”, he said, “Just the arse
end”.
Feb 10th
 Of
all times for The Holey Underpants to put in an
appearance.
I asked Zeuss what he thought his costume should
be like and guess what he brought home.
“Of course, they need some adjustments,” he
said, “but think of the significance, they’ll
be like the Holy Grail”.
“Wrong story I think Zeuss,” I said,
but he wasn’t having a bar of it.
As far as Zeuss is concerned, the tale of The Sleeping
Beauty goes along the lines of Handsome and Charming
Prince strides in looking for his sleeping horse
and finds a pair of jewel encrusted (no doubt this
was some of the adjustments he was talking about)
Y Fronts, which of course, as you do, he tries on.
To his amazement – and no doubt that of the
audience; they fit perfectly, proving that the Handsome
and Charming Prince, is actually a God.
Meanwhile, his horse, fast asleep on a large plush
cushion, wakes up and confirms that the Prince, is
indeed a God, and that the underpants, previously
a pair of traumatized Y Fronts, are in fact, The
Holy Underpants, unwearable by anyone but a God.
“And then?” I asked.
“What?” he said, “You want more?”
“Well, yes, actually. You can’t just
end it there; the audience will be hanging out for
more”.
“How about a free set of Kitchen Ginzu Knives”,
he said, washing his face thoughtfully.
Feb 11th
A rogue kitchen knife leapt off the bench and
stabbed Brent in the foot.
I heard a piercing shriek and raced out to the
kitchen to find him doubled up on the floor gasping
for breath.
I managed to get him up and onto the couch where
he promptly fainted. Expecting to see a severed
foot, I gingerly lifted the towel he had thrown
over his leg. The colour had completely drained
from his face and he was sweating profusely.
It was a Man-Cut. Nothing a small band-aid wouldn’t
fix.
 “I
think I’d better go to emergency,” Brent
said weakly.
Nurse Possovitz appeared out of nowhere and prepared
to take his pulse. I left her to it while I gathered
emergency supplies for a man in pain; Beer, Pizza,
and the remote control for the T.V.
When I returned I checked his foot, “It’s
still attached,” I said, but he looked doubtful. “Take
a look”, I said, “it’s not that
bad”. He did, and he passed out again.
Later, happily propped up with pillows and a blanket
on the couch, munching pizza with his personal
nurse and watching Badger hopping around on her
three legs, he said “Now I know what she
must be feeling like”.
I looked at Nurse Possovitz who rolled her eyes, “We
should probably amputate,” she said.
Next...
previously...
|
Any Blog written and illustrated by Cathy Dee is definitely
going to be
out of the ordinary.
|
