The Riot Diaries
Feb 27th
Flossy’s yoga class has grown. I wandered into the
lounge to find all 4 cats in various yogic poses. Everybody
seemed to be taking it extremely seriously except for Zeuss
who was rolling about pretending to be a dying hippopotamus.
 
 
Feb 28th
I’ve written my 5 minute presentation.
Much to my Mother’s relief, I’ve managed to keep
humour to an absolute minimum.
I even managed to sprinkle some ‘Corporatese’ into
it.
I used ‘Applications’ and ‘Social marketing’ and ‘High-end
user’ (I may not have actually used that one).
I was dying to put ‘Sexy supply chains’ in there
somewhere but couldn’t quite figure a way to plop it
into a sentence about marketing a health website.
I was going to put some Maori words in to show my ‘commitment
to Tangatawhenua’, but somehow ‘Puku’ (Tummy)
and ‘Kai’ (Food) (about the only Maori words I
know how to spell) didn’t seem to represent what I needed
to say, besides, I figured, if I was going to ‘demonstrate
my commitment to Maori health’, I’d also need to
show the same courtesy to Chinese, Japanese, Samoan, Dutch,
French and German health. By the time added a few buzz words
from each of these languages, my 5 minute presentation would
turn into a 50 minute soliloquy and I would have to tap dance
on a table in a tutu to hold the panel’s attention.
 Besides
I promised my Mother, on pain of death, to be on
my BEST behaviour, to wear something other than jodhpurs,
and to take a serious attitude along with me.
So now, my serious attitude and I are off to be interviewed…
To be continued…(no, seriously I mean it….)
Feb 29th
My serious attitude and I arrived at the interview without a
minute to spare.
I was bright and perky thanks to a massive caffeine injection.
I met up with a self described ‘Corporate Bullshit Interpreter’ (she
may not have actually used those exact words) and I was glad
to have her at my side during the interview process.
It was a TELECONFERENCE interview, which meant I was being interviewed
by two people on T.V.
For an hour and a half I sat talking to two people on T. V.
They mentioned that the site had quite a commitment to mental
health so I assumed this was probably a revolutionary approach
to introducing people to psychotic episodes.
After this experience, I shall be taking a much more pro-active
stance while watching any ‘Talk Shows’.
I delivered my 5 minute presentation but much to my disappointment
only got about half way through before being interrupted; it
seems my interpretation of ‘How I Would Promote a Health
Website’, got a little jumbled in translation. I felt a
little cheated because I hadn’t even got to the bit where
I suggested (thanks to my friend Roz) they implement (and yes
I actually got to use that word) a game called ‘Send Your
Friend a Disease’.
March 1st
 I’ve
been practicing looking thoughtful and serious, in case I get
THE JOB.
I think I’m getting quite good at it…
March 2nd
I got the dictionary out to research my career options if I don’t
get THE JOB.
1. Astronaut (My fear of flying might get in
the way of this one)
2. Astrophysicist (This sounds really good – as
long as you don’t have a lisp)
3. Amphibian (might have to learn to swim)
4. Battery Hen (Sitting around all day eating
and laying eggs – can’t be too difficult)
5. Bacterium (Requires very little brain – my
single cell should cope very well)
6. Blancmange (I’ve always wanted to be
one of these)
And I’ve only got as far as B!
March 3rd
The weather has been foul so I’ve taken the opportunity
to perfect the art of being serious and I have to say I’m
doing swimmingly well. In fact, I’m thinking about applying
for a job as a High Court Judge.
Imagine the hardened criminal’s surprise when I sentence
him to death while wearing a propeller hat.
 The
cats are terribly impressed.
March 4th
Brent had a management meeting with the cats.
“Right”, he said, “I want to see more production
out of some of you, especially you, Sticky”.
Sticky looked at him blankly.
“Zeuss, overall this year, your efforts have been concentrated
mainly in the region of crime solving but apart from puling in
a few hairy looking suspects, I’ve yet to see a result – care
to explain this?”
Zeuss looked at him imperiously, “I solve crimes before
they’ve even happened”, he said, “It’s
about taking a pro-active stance and harnessing impactful action
points”.
It was Brent’s turn to look blank; Zeuss’s mastery
of Corporate Bullshit is an impressive achievement in itself.
“Grommart”, continued Brent, “what can I say?”
“What?” said Grommart.
“She’s been very vigilant in her role as Bathroom Monitor”,
I said, wanting to protect the somewhat senile Grommart.
“Where”, said Grommart.
“Right,” said Brent, “well, lastly we come to
you Possovitz; and I have to say your results are outstanding.
“WHAT?” Zeuss and I yelled simultaneously.
“That cat hasn’t generated a single report, sent a
fax, or even made one phone call in her entire time as my P.A.”
Flossom puffed up her fur, which has grown considerably since
her haircut, threw a chilling glare in my general direction and
then turned to Brent lovingly. She then threw her paws around his
neck and pressed her nose into his cheek.
“All she does is schmooze you”, I said.
“Precisely”, said Brent.
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