FORWARD THIS TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW
WHO NEEDS BRUCE WILLIS...
January 2nd
At last I have an actual vegetable garden
- with plants growing happily all over the place.
I released radishes (and they’ve
bred like rabbits), lettuces, beans, snow peas, red pepper
and a couple of plants I was told were tomatoes but that
I now know to be Triffids.
As we are going in to Mitre10 today (Brent wants some
Man Stuff), I shall be purchasing a safety suit (NZ safety
standard 2023 - you can’t be too careful) in camouflage
green, with a matching helmet and goggles. I shall also
be looking at flame throwers.
I defy any vegetable to get the better of me.
*The flame thrower may or may not also be used in any
future encounter with wallet thieves in malls.
FORWARD THIS TO SOMEONE
YOU KNOW WHO HAS A LITTLE TRIFFID PROBLEM....(OR AT LEAST
A PROBLM WITH SPELLING IT).
January 3rd
Brent has a new Best Friend.
The two of them share a love of faffing about with anything
with an engine.
Last time we visited, Brent and Morrie spent hours and
hours grunting and snorting over a Hay Baler.
“It’s an old New Holland” said Morrie.
That was enough for Brent, he gleefully skipped out to
the shed before Julia and I had a chance to mention Gin
& Tonic.
This time Morrie has found a broken down Fence post Driver.
I relayed this information to Brent via Julia, when she
rang to invite us over for dinner. “It just needs
a bearing adjustment”.
Brent’s ears appeared to swivel forward like Nibbler’s
when he spots a mare. He went from pouring morosely over
the newspaper to sitting up perkily, almost panting with
excitement.
The only bearing I know about involves a ewe and a prolapsed
uterus. I’m picking this is not that sort of bearing.
FORWARD THIS
TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW WHO KNOWS ABOUT BEARINGS.
January 4th
We shifted the sheep into their summer quarters today.
They could not believe their luck. I checked in on them
later...
January
5th
The police rang yesterday.
My wallet was handed in with everything in tact.
I can’t believe it.
It was enough to make me rush out and get my hair curled.
FORWARD THIS TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW
WHO NEEDS TO GET THEIR HAIR CURLED....
January 6th
I’ve got Writers Block.
“You’ll notice that Flossom”, said Brent
helpfully, “Never gets Eaters Block”.
FORWARD THIS TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW
WHO NEVER GETS EATERS BLOCK....
January 7th
The House God came flying in from the field with his fur
rearranged in a peculiar hairstyle previously only seen
on puffer fish.
“What’s up Zeus?”I asked, slightly concerned.
“Um”, he said, doing a little pirouette and
looking up at the sky innocently,
“That last Earthquake”...
We’ve been getting so many lately I barely feel
them.
“Yes?”
“Well, I may, or may not know what caused it”
he said, sitting down before carefully washing behind
his ears.
“Really?”
“Yes, erm, it’s like this, I may have upset
the Mother of all Hares last night”.
“Huh?”
“Well, she stamped her foot at me, and well, just
at that moment, you see...”
So now we know.
FORWARD THIS TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW WHO CAUSES EARTHQUAKES
WHEN THEY STAMP TEHIR FOOT...
January 8th
Lambo is looking and behaving more and more like Donald
Trump.
“You’re Fired” he roared at the Paddock
Activities Co-ordinator.
His greed knows no bounds. He has claimed the entire East
side of the paddock and is busy eating up as much of the
West Bank as possible.
I went out to talk to him about it.
Moulamb stopped me at the gate.
“Do you have an appointment?” she asked -
somewhat officiously.
“It’s just that Mr Gini is a very busy sheep”.
FORWARD THIS TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW
WHO THINKS HE IS DONALD TRUMP....
January
9th
What is the difference between sightly flab and unsightly
flab?
FORWARD THIS TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW
WHO HAS UNSIGHTLY FLAB...
GO ORN, YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO....
GO ORN, GO ORN, GO ORN, GO ORN,
GO ORN....
January 10th
Zeus is quite simply the most self important cat on the
planet.
He sauntered through the front door and stood, basking
in his own gloriousness.
"What’s up Zeus?" I asked,
"Me," he replied ignoring the gagging sounds
coming from the direction of Flossom.
"It’s not easy being the most fabulous cat
in the village" he sighed, before flopping dramatically
down onto his bed and falling asleep almost instantly.
FORWARD THIS TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW
WHO IS A SELF IMPORTANT GIT ...
January 11th
FOR SALE
Writers Block.
Well used, much loathed.
Time wasters welcomed with coffee and a chat.
Would swap for enormous quantity of heavy duty pain killers.
FORWARD THIS TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW
WHO - OH WHAT THE HEY, JUST FORWARD IT...
January 12th
Grommart is becoming more and more senile.
I found her sitting in an empty box.
"What are you doing Grommart?"
"Waiting" she said, mysteriously.
"Waiting for what?"
"What?"
"What are you waiting for?"
"Am I?"
"Well you just said...."
It is impossible to have a meaningful conversation with
a senile cat.
FORWARD THIS TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW
WHO IS A LITTLE BIT SENILE....
January 13th
At last we have some rain.
The House God arrived in the lounge soaked to the skin.
His fur stood up artfully as if he’d just been to
the hairdresser and had a mountain of gel applied to it.
He crouched on the floor looking cold and pathetic -
it’s a look he has perfected to send me running
to the cupboard for a warm towel - Zeus LOVES being towel
dried.
"Oh look at him", I said, "He looks so
cute with his little spiky hair do".
"No, he doesn’t" said Brent, "He
looks exactly like a toilet brush".
FORWARD THIS TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW
WHOSE HAIRSTYLE LOOKS LIKE THEY'VE JUST CLIMBED OUT OF
A TOILET...
January 14th
Flossom was still sniggering over Brent’s observation
of Zeus as a Toilet Brush an hour later.
“A Toilet Brush!” she guffawed, leaning into
Brent and patting him with her paw.
Zeus finally reacted. He drew himself up to his full height
and fixed his cold blue eyes on her.
“Madam,” he said, “If I get wet, I may
well resemble (Very vaguely) a toilet brush, however,
in the morning, I shall be dry (and magnificent), whereas
you, will still be an Inept Fat Furry pile of Fluff”.
FORWARD THIS TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW
WHO IS DRY AND MAGNIFICENT...
January 15th
Nibbler
has a little shaving rash (so he tells me) on his face.
I attempt to bathe it twice a day in a weak iodine wash.
I say ‘attempt’ because anything to do with
applying to something to Nibbler’s face is a bit
like playing swing ball.
As I approach him with damp sponge in hand, he throws
his head up and over me. Every time he drops his head
down towards me I attempt to pat it with the sponge and
away it goes again.
Finally, he gives up and bravely allows me to do what
I wish, his lip trembling.
"You’re a very brave horse" I said.
"I know"
A voice behind us startled me
"No he’s not", said the voice of truth
which comes with an audible Australian twang,
"He’s a total Deek Head".
January 16th
RECIPE FOR TENDERISED CALF MUSCLE
1 small nervous horse
1 fat rider
1 motorbike
Large tree branch
Remove rider from horse and place rider between motorbike
and horse.
Stir with gale force blast of wind and add tree branch.
Knock rider to flat hard gravelly surface using the horse,
then carefully crush calf muscle with horse hoof to tenderise.
Garnish with monumentally painful ride home and finish
with visit to ER and loads of great pain killlers. Serve
with crutches.
FORWARD THIS TO SOMEONE WHO LIKES
EXTREME RECIPES... EXTREME INIT.
January 17th
I’m feeling remarkably perky.
I’m discovering all sorts of new markings all over
my body, in fact I’m pretty convinced that I am
actually evolving into a new species of gigantic sea mammal.
A sort of Whale Shark, happily swimming around the kitchen,
filtering food out of the fridge and the cupboards, before
basking in the sun on the deck.
Of course, I may also have had a few too many pain killers.
FORWARD THIS TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW
WHO LOOKS LIKE A WHALE SHARK...
January 18th
Nibbler is leaving us in a couple of days.
He’s going to a fabulous new home. He’s just
too big for me now.
We have an elderly horse come to stay to be with Persil
until another horse finds me.
Nibbler was very excited when I told him there were a
bunch of mares waiting for him.
"How many mares exactly?" said Persil suspiciously,
"Are they all virgins?"
Nibbler wasn’t listening, he was too busy doing
stretching exercises and jogging on the spot.
Persil nudged me, "I knew it," he said, "Nibbler
Akbah - he’s going on a suicide mission isn’t
he?"
FORWARD THIS TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW
WHO GOES ON SUICIDE MISSIONS...
January 19th
Persil has had a gutsful of Nibbler cracking on about
the mares awaiting 
him.
Despite having assured Persil that Nibbler is not a Radical
Muslim Extremist, he insists on introducing him as Nibbler
Akbah.
"Or," he said thoughtfully when I had him up
about it, "He could be called Mohammed B’stard".
We settled on Nibbler Akbah.
FORWARD THIS TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW
WHO HAS THE PROPENSITY TO BLOW UP...
January 20th
A family of quail came to take a look at the horses and
the sheep.
Mum, Dad and their 17 kids.
Mother Quail looked badly in need of a Valium and Father
acted as though he had already taken some.
"Awesome," he said, nodding towards his children,
"Look at these funny little dudes - who are they?"
FORWARD THIS TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW
WHO HAS NO IDEA WHO THEIR CHILDREN ARE...
January 21st
Persil’s Minder, Connemara Danny Boy, might be
20 years old (a fair age for a horse) but he is in fact
a naughty boy.
I put up an electric tape around an area of dry grass
I’d like the boys to
tidy up.
Danny went under it.
I turned the power on.
He went under it - at speed.
"You’re not the Boss of Me," he shouted,
gleefully trotting past me with a mouth full of fresh
green grass.
"Crikey, " said Persil, "Somebody should
tell him he’s dreaming".
FORWARD THIS TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW
WHO IS DREAMING...
January 22nd
Zeus has been leading a secret life and I finally caught
him out.
He’s been swearing to me that the only prey he
is interested in is Rabbits and Hares of which we have
in abundance.
Certainly that’s all we ever hear about with much
bragging about his heroic conquests.
Today he swaggered in from the field looking as if he’d
swallowed an elephant.
"Zeus!" I exclaimed, "Did you catch a
hare?"
He nodded, then suddenly without warning, threw up.
It was like emptying the contents of my handbag.
Amongst the general debris, were what looked like a small
*goat, 2 lizards and a stunned looking bird.
"ZEUS!" I yelled, "How COULD you?"
He looked at me and then looked at the evidence, there
was no getting out of this one.
"It’s magic!" he said, "I swallowed
a hare and out hops a swallow."
"And the lizards?" I asked.
"Accessories, " he said, swanning off to leave
me to clean up.
*There may or may not have been an actual goat in there.
FORWARD THIS TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW
WHO IS A MAGICIAN...
January 23rd
Grommart contiinues her world domination as The Worlds
most Annoying Cat. She now has a medal for it.
and here she is in action...
FORWARD THIS TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW
WHO IS NOT AT ALL ANNOYING...
January 24th
Lambo is keen to be a Toastmaster.
He’s been offering to give a speech to everyone,
from the birds, the horses, the cats and the dogs.
“What will you talk about?” I asked
He thought about that for a bit before replying, “Clover”,
he said.
“Clover? Do you think there’s much interest
in a talk about clover?”
“You’re always telling me people keep making
speeches about the - I believe you call them the ‘sodding’
All Blacks?” he said; touché.
“What about research?” I said, “When
you make a speech, you have to research”.
Lambo burped loudly, and I noticed his lips and tongue
were covered with the bright green stain of clover.
“Oh I’ve done the research” he said,
“And, what’s more, in the interests of speech
making, I continue to do it”.
FORWARD THIS TO SOMEONE WHO MAKES
SPEECHES ABOUT UNBELIEVEABLY BORING TOPICS...
January 29th
I
helped a some friends bring in their hay; 945 bales to
be exact.
My arms are now 6 inches longer with elbow joints that
have seized into an odd rigor that makes me look as if
I am about to start break dancing any minute now; my back
is 2 inches shorter and my legs have rusted up completely.
NOTE TO SELF:
I am not 16 any more.
SECOND NOTE TO SELF:
DUH!
THIRD NOTE TO SELF:
Chiropractic visit tomorrow.
FOURTH NOTE TO SELF: Singing
‘Hay, Hay, My, My, this old bird will never die’
at the top of my voice while hoicking hay bales up on
to the tractor trailer was obviously going to bring about
my early demise - what was I thinking???
FORWARD THIS TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW
WHO LOVES A CHIROPRACTOR....
January 31st
Once again it seems that I am the lucky recipient of
the Readers Digest First prize Jackpot of $35,000!!!
Considering I can’t even remember actually entering
the sweepstakes, you can just imagine my surprise.
I’m also rather relieved to learn that I ‘have
been identified as a Valued Customer’.
At last I know what to say when I am asked my occupation
- "I’m a Valued Customer," I shall say,
which is handy for filling out those pesky ACC forms,
as I am never quite sure exactly what I am.
Now I am.
FORWARD THIS TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW
WHO IS A VALUED CUSTOMER...
