April 2nd

Flossom is obsessed with the shower.

She likes to get into it at least twice a day. Once there, she sits happily staring at the walls – as you do when you are in the shower.

If you listen to Brent you’d think it was one of the great wonders of the world… “Flossom wants a shower”, he crows, airlifting her to the bathroom, where she regally steps into the shower via the door kindly opened for her by him, as he stands proudly observing her taking her ‘ablutions’.

I’ve tried to point out to her, to no avail, that she’s not actually having a wash by just standing there with no soap and water, however, egged on by her besotted father (Brent), she actually believes that it’s the thought that counts.

 

April 3rd

As part of my drive to be pro-active and on top of things, I’ve not only done my tax return early but have taken the initiative (on advice from a friend) of preparing a letter for the Women’s Weekly, to be published once the earth cools again…(They can fill in the blanks as I’m not sure which friend I shall be sipping tea with). (Come to think of it the likelihood of me drinking tea is about the same as a meteorite strike).

 

Dear Women’s Weekly,

Imagine my surprise as I looked up from my teacup as I was drinking with my friend ……………….., to see a huge meteor racing towards the outside toilet.

“Look at that!” I cried out to ……………..; “I think that’s a meteorite”.

“Yes, you’re right”, she shouted, “It’s a large meteor”. “What shall we do?” she shouted; the noise of the incoming meteor was like the sound of a railway train, “I know” I said, “Let’s write to the Women’s Weekly”.

So, as the outside toilet exploded in a blinding flash and a mushroom shaped cloud enveloped the back yard, we searched for some paper and a pen on which to write about our experience, and then we had another cup of tea and decided to trot into town for a nice bit of shopping.

Yours Sincerely

Dotty Foresight

April 4th

The Phantom got his new boots today and I’ve never seen a horse more pleased with himself.

Dave, the Farrier, spent a lot of time making sure the boots fitted perfectly. Then he asked me to walk The Phantom round.

Phantom had been puzzling over the new boots as they were being fitted. He lifted up the box they came in and tossed it around a bit, in case it came with added carrots, and when I walked him out, he plopped his feet up and down and then started to Goose step like a German General in WW2.

You could tell they made him feel important and proud.

Stomp, Stomp he went, past Nibbler and Persil; Stomp, Stomp over the gravel, tentatively at first and then with more gusto as he realised it didn’t hurt.

I tied him up leaving them on him while I helped Dave measure Nibbler’s hooves, and The Phantom promptly untied himself and stomped out the gate and on up the road on the gravel…previously an unheard of feat!

I asked Brent later if he’d seen The Phantom’s new boots. He was reading the newspaper. “Yeah”, he said.
“OH really, when?”
“Oh, well I haven’t tried them on or anything”, he said.

April 6th

Brent and I went into Christchurch to work on THE HOUSE.

The weeds in the garden just don’t get it.
I rip them out.
They grow back.
I rip them out.
They grow back bold as brass, asking for fertilizer.

A large thistle stood proudly in the middle of the garden, “Come on Love”, it said, “Get a load of this then”, and it shoved its fully armed leaves at me. It had an impressive array of weaponry but it hadn’t counted on a thistle grubber.

Once the weeds were defeated and piled into a heap, I could hear the plants sighing with relief. “Ahhhh”, said a rather blousy Dahlia, “Thank goodness for that; it was beginning to turn into a rather bad neighbourhood you know”.

April 7th

It rained all day which meant that Zeuss was bored.
He sat on the table next to the computer where I was working and tapped the keyboard with an exploratory paw.

“Have a look at ‘Trademe’,” he said.
“What for?”
“There must be something on there that we can swap Flossom for”.
“Zeuss!”
“No, really, how about a large rabbit?”

I glared at him.
“Just a thought,” he said.

April 8th

I’m preparing the courses I’ll be teaching next term.

Most of them need little preparation as I’ve taught them before, however my newest course, Absolutely Positively Challenged, a course on being happy, needs some thought.

I told my best friend Leigh I was going to teach people to be happy and he laughed so much I thought he’d choke. Leigh first met me at a time of immense stress. I wanted to kill my (drug dealing) neighbours and was desperately hoping my boss (a large Texan Unit) would spontaneously combust.

“I know”, said Leigh, guffawing loudly and rudely down the phone, “Why don’t you teach a course on cooking fine cuisine”.

Leigh knows full well the extent of my culinary expertise – it’s legendary.
I am the person who forgot to put the leeks and almonds into the Leek and Almond Soup I was making for guests.