October 1st 2010
At last, I’m back in cyber space, after a long hiatus: Having just looked up the definition of hiatus (needing support from not having written for so long; I also discovered that this word also means hernia or a small difference in pitch between two musical tones – I trust you know the meaning I mean)

Fortunately my half life is longer than the hiatus – just, so I am back, Cyber space will never be the same again.

A pile of months has gone by since I was last able to write during which the following stuff happened -

• Our house was built
• We lived in a caravan for several months
• It was a very posh sort of caravan
• It was still a caravan and consequently I needed chocolate
• I had a bit of an accident
• It did not involve a horse
• I needed chocolate and extensive physiotherapy
• Flossom caught a mouse
• It was physically and chronologically challenged and may have been in a wheel chair
• It may also have been suffering from dementia though this has yet to be confirmed
• Zeus is doing a Post Mousem
• There was a bit of an earthquake
• We all thought it was fun – that includes the cats who thought we had created it.
• Then we saw the damage about town and I needed chocolate
• The House God has been in hospital with a lung infection
• I simply had to have chocolate
• He (Zeus) now has to have an inhaler just like mine
• We inhale together
• Then I have chocolate
• Brent has gone to Australia for a month
• Flossom thought she might need some chocolate
• I turned 46
• A fairly large amount of chocolate may have been consumed

October 2nd
The House god has been a pain in the butt.
Since his ‘brush with death’ - (his words, not mine), he has become ‘focussed’ (demanding) and ‘aware’ (needy).
“I could die at any moment” he told Flossom when she whollopped him for daring to walk past her, “Would you like some help with that?” she retorted.
Partly lifted his head and blinked sleepily, “Hang on a minute”, he said, “I thought you were a God, Zeus”.
“I am” said Zeus.
“Well then, you can’t just die, can you?”
“Can’t I? “
“Well, not of asthma anyhow”.
They thought about that for a minute before Partly continued ; “I mean, they die in battles don’t they?”
“Well why don’t we order a large battle with all the extras then?” said Flossom.
Zeus looked at her, his health seemingly fully restored, “Would you like Fries with that?” he asked.

October 3rd
The horses have moved paddocks to one with a lot of grass. There isn’t a lot you can say about horses who suddenly find themselves in a paddock full of grass; they are not exactly at their most interesting.

I feel like Spike Milligan must have felt when he (obviously) observed a ‘thousand hairy savages’ only it’s ...

Three hairy horses
sitting down to lunch
Gobble gobble glup glup munch munch munch

October 4th
Persil and the Phantom have taken up Fence Guitar (Fencitar).
It started when the Phantom discovered he could pluck the top wire of the fence with his nose. ‘PLUNK’ he went, quickly progressing to ‘PLUNKITY PLUNK’ before introducing Persil to music so they could play duets.

Nibbler is horrified; “they play Country and Western” he groaned, and I really felt for him.

The Phantom saw me, “Hey Persil” he yelled, “Fencejo Duel - two three four”
“BA DA DUNG DUNG DUNG DUNG DUNG DUNG DING” went the fence. A mournful echo drifted across the paddock as Persil plucked his end of the fence “DA BA DING DING DANG DANG DANG DING DANG”.

“Good grief” sighed Nibbler, burying his head in my arms, “they’ve been at it all day”.
I think it’s time for the electric Fencitar.

October 5th

The Good Sheep Lollipop has been wandering out of her paddock to visit the dogs.

Badger sidled up to me looking anxiously over her shoulder, "For Gawds sake get rid of that sheep" she said. I looked over to see Partly lying with his paws over his ears while the Good Sheep prattled on fully engrossed in a one way conversation.

"My God she’s a boring sheep" said Badger, "she never shuts up".

"What does she talk about?" I asked.

"The Whether" said Badger glaring at Lambo.

October 6th

Nibbler has decided that this is the year of the Helpful Horse.

"123, 123" I chanted as we cantered slowly and fabulously around the dressage arena, when suddenly he stopped abruptly.

"4" he said.

"Huh?"

"4, that’s what comes after 3"

"What the?"

"Only trying to be helpful" and he resumed his canter with a beautiful leap forward, from a halt.

October 7th
Flossom has a New Best Friend.

He’s a stuffed toy that I made Brent buy her before he went away. A sort of ‘Dad has to go away but here’s a substitute Dad’ toy.
She takes him with her all over the place; a few weeks ago she showed him the compost heap, as I left for work this morning she was lying in the sun on the lounge floor, kicking the snot out of him.Zeus hates his guts. He took him camping in the sheep paddock and left him there. It was three days before he was discovered by a distraught Flossom. He was brought inside, unconcious and damp to be nursed tenderly by Flossy until he appeared to regain conciousness (difficult to tell with a stuffed toy).

“You realise he’s a drug smuggler” Zeus told me later that night.
“He is?” I said, refraining from saying the obvious - ‘you realise he’s a stuffed toy’.

“Check out his underpants” urged Zeus.

Flossom’s new best friend has been charged and convicted with attempting to conceal a large cache of catnip.

October 8th
Partly Bluett has been rolling in horse pooh again.
He is wearing a green skull cap which is so thick it makes him look like an Elvis impersonator at an Irish themed pub.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

October 9th
I rang my Mother.
It’s a regular morning thing.
“Do you know”, she said, and I could be pretty sure I didn’t; “My back lawn is covered in Mynahs”.
“Ah” I said a very clear vision of a tapestry of birds came to mind.
“I hate Mynahs” said My Mother, “They’re brash and rude - infact,” she said, “I know what’s wrong with them - they’re Australian”.

 

 

 

 

October 10th
I’ve got to go back to the dentist, which really is no different than being sent to the Inquisition.

I have to go for, what the dentist describes as a ‘wee dental procedure’. I am wary of ‘wee dental procedures’.
I have to be gassed before I even enter the room with the drills.

Last time, as I settled comfortably into the chair in a delirious haze of Nitrous Oxide, I suddenly realise that there seemed to be one of those enormous hedge trimmers moving about inside my mouth.
The whirring and buzzing took over my head as it moved up and down between the rows of teeth.

As I mused on how they had got all that heavy equipment into my mouth without my knowledge, I suddenly got the giggles. The dentist stopped work, the hedge trimmer was pulled out and everyone waited until I stopped giggling. Stupidly, I felt a desperate need to explain myself but, as I tried to talk, I discovered that part of my procedure seemed to have included a truck load of Botox having been injected into my lips. They seemed to have become so big they were firmly wedged against the opposite wall. “Ba ba boom ba” I said.
“Shouldn’t be long now dear” said the dentist.

Now, not only, do I have a hedge trimmer working it’s way down my rows of teeth, lips that will enter a room before I do but, evidently I have aged about forty years and people around my own real age are starting to call me DEAR. I feel an uncontrollable urge to escape, but the nurse, sensing that I might be about to leg it, ups the gas and suddenly I don’t care, until everything is switched off and it’s time to pay the bill. I need more gas just to get my purse open.

Now, I have to go back and I’m thinking they’re going to have to come out here and gas me at home before taking me back to that clinic.

October 11th
Zeus turned up ready to go to bed wearing a rather fetching pyjama ensemble complete with flowers in a little breast pocket.
“What?” he said, when we all stared at him quite lost for words. “Has something happened?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

October 12th
Nibbler has a little Bird Paranoia Problem.
A duck noisily flapped its way out of a pond we happened to be passing on our ride this morning and Nibbler had a fit.
“OH MY GAWD” he roared, “DUCK!” and he sprang out of harm’s way, snorting and puffing, bouncing on his toes readying himself incase the duck flew back to take a swing at him.

Further along the road, two big trucks hurled towards us dangerously, I tensed and prepared for an emergency One Rein Stop.
The trucks bore down on us at a terrifying rate and Nibbler suddenly stopped and stared - not at the trucks, but into the hedge, and he stayed like that as the trucks swept past.
He refused to go forward, dancing around with his head in the air and his nostrils flared. “Is it the trucks Nibbler?” I asked, thinking that maybe this was a delayed trauma reaction.
“What trucks?” he whispered, trembling as he did, “It’s birds; they’re in that bush; they can fly up your nostrils and cause engine damage”.

Persil and the Phantom are behind this I just know it.

 

 

 

October 13th
A family of Starlings have moved in to our letterbox.
They’ve moved a large messy straw bed in there and are now busy decorating the place.
It has a quite a homely feel about it and they all looked pretty indignant when I opened the front door to check the male.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

October 14th
Lambo, Islamb and the Good Sheep Lollypop broke out of their paddock last night.
I caught them trying to sneak past the lounge windows at about 8pm.
They were accompanied by Zeus.

I might have guessed the House God would have something to do with it.

I grabbed my gumboots and marched outside.
“OI” I yelled causing the whole procession to freeze, “What do you think you are doing?"
The sheep looked at Zeus who looked up in the air, “Um”, he said, “We were just going to the movies”.
The sheep nodded in unified agreement.
“Oh yeah?” I said, “What were you going to see?”
“Dances with Sheep” said Zeus.

I accompanied the sheep back to their paddock before frogmarching the House God into the house.
“Well?” I asked, sitting him firmly down in front of me on the couch, “what were you really doing?”
“All right”, he said, “You got me, we were going to see ‘The Good, the Bad and the Sheep”.

 

October 15th
My memory has all the retention power of a purple wine gum these days.

I was in town and had just got out of my car when I noticed an elderly lady striding towards me.
She nodded hello.
“Hello” I replied when she stopped and looked at me, “Oh Hello” she said, and suddenly I was convinced she was someone who had been in one of my drawing classes so I got quite enthusiastic, "Hi!” I said, “How are you - are you still drawing?”
She looked at me quizzically and I realised I had no idea who she was.
“Um”, I said, using Zeus’s delaying tactic while I thought furiously, “I don’t actually know you do I?”
“I don’t know” she said, “you might” and then we both got the giggles.

I don’t get let out that much...

 

October 17th
NIbbler and I embarked on a wonderful trek across a beautiful farm with a herd of others.

Nibbler is very much a ‘Leader of Horses’ - boldly going where no horse want’s to go.
It was the first ride out with others for the season and Nibbler felt the urge to make a statement.

At the start of the ride there was a fair bit of ‘milling about’ during which Nibbler had time to prepare a speech - “I have a dream” he started, “Er, Nibs, I think that’s been done before”, I said.
“Has it?” he exclaimed rather too loudly, “Oh, OK, here we go...One small step for horse...”
“Ah Nibbler, now that has definitely been done before”.

He bounced around in frustration and fortunately before he could think up any more speeches, we were off - up and down and bit of hill country farm.
Total heaven.

 

 

 

 

October 19th
The dogs and I spent the day mustering sheep on a friends’ farm.

I could not believe how brilliant Partly Bluett was after 3 years of being an unemployed lout.
We had just made it to the top of what felt (to my legs) like a mountain, and the earth shook.
We’ve been getting a lot of earthquakes lately. I thought it was just my shaky legs but Partly knew better.
He went into Civil Defence mode straight away.

“All right you lot” he yelled to startled sheep, “That was an earthquake and this is a Civil Dog emergency”.
Hundreds more sheep moved over to hear what he had to say.
“Move down to the flats in an orderly fashion and stay there” he yelled.
And that’s exactly what they did.

I’ll be hiring him out to the malls at this rate.

 

October 20th

My friend Monese brought her gorgeous young Arab horse, Heath, over for a road ride with ‘Nibbler the Sensible’ and myself.

We marched off out the gate, up the road and approached a spooky looking set of letterboxes. Heath looked worried so I offered to take Nibbler THE SENSIBLE past first, to settle him.

Just as we were going past, Nibbler leapt to the side causing Heath to follow suit.

"Well done my son" said Nibbler, "You never know who might be hiding in a letterbox".

"Nibbler what the hey?" I said.
"Just showing the young lad here an Emergency Exit Tactic" he said.

And Heath tried it out at every letterbox we came to culminating in a spectacular leap and Roundhouse Kick at the last letterbox.

"Whooooa" said Nibbler, looking extremely impressed, "He’s better at it than I am now".

 

 

October 21st
A family of Magpies turned up at the front door.
“Excuse me” said the Father, very politely I thought, for a Magpie; “We’ve come to see the World’s Fattest Cat”.
Suddenly there was a blur of movement to my right as Zeus streaked past me. “I’ll deal with this” he said and moved the family over to where Flossom was lying fast asleep in the sun.
I heard a lot of oodling and ardling before they flew off and Zeus sauntered past me to join the Abyssinians. “Well?” said Grommart, “Are they going to buy her?”

October 22nd
Spring has got into Nibbler.
I arrived at the paddock just in time to watch him busting a few new moves to an attentive Persil and The Phantom.
He looked up and saw me, “Ah,” he said, “I was just showing the Home Boys here a thing or two about dressage - I was demonstrating a pirouette”.

We’ve been doing a bit of schooling lately and Nibbler has some pretty fancy foot work so I was pleased he had taken it to heart enough to practise.

Suddenly the Phantom burst out laughing and Persil followed suit. The two of them leaned against each other and shook with mirth. Nibbler glared at them.
“I’m sorry” gasped the Phantom, ‘I can’t bare it, he wasn’t demonstrating dressage at all”. “No” yelped Persil, “he was imitating you walking across the paddock”, and they dissolved into another giggling fit.
“I can’t believe you didn’t recognise yourself” said The Phantom.

Nibbler put his head down and stuffed his mouth with as much grass as he could fit in it, he chewed casually, pretending not to notice what was going on. “I can’t believe it’s not clover” he said sighing contentedly.

October 23rd
There are an awful lot of wavy hares around here.

October 24th
The sheep are nervous.
In order to establish his role as God of Sheep (as well as God of the House and of the Alpacas) Zeus; by dint of an overheard conversation with the shearer, has been making dire predictions.

“Within the month”, he said, looking round ominously, “Your wool will fall off and you will be bald”.
The sheep gasped. “But what can we do?”
“Nothing about that I’m afraid, it’s too late, you must be punished“ said Zeus, “ However, I bring hope and good tidings, for if you promise to worship and obey me, and only me;” he was glaring at Flossom who was watching intently from the shadows of her gorse hideout, “I’ll make sure the sky doesn’t fall down on your heads”.

And so it was that Zeus, God of the House and of the Alpacas, became also, God of the Sheep.

October 25th
Zeus gave the lambs a small black book to read, but they were having a bit of trouble understanding it.

“Lambiticus 18.1 verse 3 clearly states” said Zeus, sighing with exasperation, before pointing it out to Lambo, “That Islamb shall rise and smite (the fat furry) Bathsheba”.

The lambs all looked at Islamb who sat somewhat regally for a teenaged sheep, chewing her cud with her eyes half closed. She opened them suddenly when she realised they were waiting for her to say something.

“I smite” she said, “and then again I smite not”.
“Ahh” said Bedlamb “You think therefore you lamb’.

Zeus gave up.

 

October 26th
Sticky brought a new friend home to introduce him to everyone. He was a small brown skink named, according to Sticky, Egbert 3rd.
Being a Skink, Egbert (3rd) wasn’t saying anything.

Zeus immediatly insisted they introduce him to the sheep.
“Listen up Sheep” shouted Zeus, “I have someone here that you need to meet”.
The sheep, being a curious lot, hurried over. Zeus pushed the reluctant skink to the fore, “See him?” said Zeus, “He used to have a luxurious woollen coat."

Lambo looked sceptical.
“Did he also used to play the piano and wear diamond rings on his fingers?” he asked.
“I don’t know” whispered Zeus to Sticky, “Did he?”
Sticky nodded furiously.

“Oh my God” said Lambo, “They’ve got Liberapsheep”.

October 27th
The spring grass has gone to Nibbler’s head.
I found him sitting in the shade of a big tree with his eyes half closed and a dreamy smile on his face.
He looked up at me as I approached and opened his eyes, “I have a dream” he whispered, but he wouldn‘t tell me what it was...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

October 29th
Flossom knew Brent was coming home.
She spent the day getting ready and when Zeus suggested she practice expressions of surprise and joy, she took him up on it.
They rehearsed together all day.

Unfortunately and as usually happens when Zeus gets involved with Flossom, things turned to custard and by the time Brent did get home (at around midnight), Flossom had worked herself into such a grump, she refused to join us in bed, going out instead.
Zeus was already installed in the bed, snuggled in with me, a position which he (uncharacteristically) remained in for the rest of the night.
He popped his head out of the sheets in the morning, flung his arms around my neck and gave Brent a smug look.
“I sleep here now” he said.

October 31st
A friend came round for lunch and brought with her, her pet pigeon - ‘Bird’.

Bird hopped out of the car and sat on the roof preening herself while cooing gently.
Zeus, sauntering around the corner, stopped abruptly when he saw the pigeon, “Oh Lordy” he gasped and ran in and jumped up onto my lap, clinging to me like a drowning man.

“What is it Zeus?”
“Remember a couple of years ago” said Zeus, somewhat breathlessly, “When I may or may not have been involved in encouraging a few pigeons in to the fertiliser business”.
I looked at him with a raised eyebrow.
“EX pigeons” he said pointedly.
I still did not understand.
“Living impaired”.

I got it - some years ago Zeus had polished off an entire flock of around 20 pigeons in as many days.
“Yes, well,” said Zeus, looking over his shoulder at the bird, “I’m pretty sure that’s the family lawyer”.

 

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