February 1st
I’ve had my hair cut and curled.

“BeCheesus!” yelled Zeus, when he saw me, “What’s that on your head?”
“It’s my new hairstyle Zeus”.
“Are you sure?” he said, climbing up onto my knee and poking furtively at my hair.
“Yes Zeus, what did you think it is”
“Well actually,” said Zeus, checking to make sure the other cats were listening,
“I could have sworn it was a chicken trying to hatch a person”.

 

February 2nd
Lambo’s hormones have finally discovered him. He’s not supposed to have any but if he’s not trying to pick a fight with something he’s trying to pollinate it.

So far, he’s tried to fight Bedlamb, a tree trunk and the washing basket.
He has tried his luck pollinating Moulamb, The Gobshite Lollypop and the washing basket.
There appears to be some confusion over the washing basket.

The only thing separating him from teenage boys is alcohol and a fast car.
I’m refusing to get him either.

February 3rd

The House God appears to have swallowed a UFO.

"What?" he demanded when he rolled in and noticed that we were all staring at him.

"Is it my hairstyle?"

The fact he resembled a small furry Aircraft Carrier seemed to have escaped him.

"Sheesh," said Sticky, "What are you planning to launch?"

At that, the cats, fell about floor snuffling and giggling.

Zeus ignored them and sat down to wash a paw.

"The sheep wasn’t laughing so much when I swallowed him WHOLE," he said, creating instant obeisance in one fine stroke.

That cat really is brilliant.

February 4th
The washing basket is showing clear signs of Post Traumatic Stress and there’s no doubt that Lambo is responsible.

“You need to own this” I said to him in a counselling session I set up with both him and the basket.
I had decided to try to make him aware of his actions and their consequences.
He stood in front of me, furiously chewing cud and looking reasonably contrite.

“Well?” I asked, “What have you got to say for yourself?”
He burped then resumed his cud chewing with his eyes half closed,
“Lambo?”
“Oh!” he said, finally,
“You mean THIS Lambo?”

I’ll try again next week.

 

February 6th
It was so hot today that the cats lay flat out on the lounge floor under the Sports section of the newspaper trying to keep cool.
I heard a lot of giggling and snuffling and snuck over to listen in on the conversation...

Flossom: “It will be difficult to assess how the curl will hold up to such fearsome tackles”.
Zeus: “It has a lot of support from the west side of the bathroom cupboard”.
Sticky: “The predicted rain will cancel any fear of smooth styling”.
Zeus: “Well, I think it’s great to have such talent on the head”.
And finally Grommart, who as usual, had obviously missed out on the entire concept of the new game...
“ It’s a perm”.

The cats are the only ones in this house to actually get anything out of the sports section of the newspaper.

February 7th
It rained all day today!
A parade of soggy animals filed past the lounge doors...

February 8th
Persil and I went out for a ride today, he’s been busting to get out and I felt it would be good for him.

We happily flew along the roadside verges until we came to a truck busily unloading a bulldozer.
Persil stopped and bobbed his head up and down trying to make sense of it.
I let him watch for a while and then nudged him gently on. He tiptoed past, with his head high in the air, eyes firmly fixed on the action. He didn’t relax until we were well past and then he released an enormous sigh.

“Crikey”, he said at last, “I’ve got to tell Nibbler about this; that truck just gave birth to a bulldozer”.

 

February 9th
The Gobshite Lollypop is the official Paddock Limbo Dancing Champion.

She managed to shimmy under the bottom of the 6 wire fence to the raucous cheering of the other sheep and the dogs.
“Huzzah!” yelled the sheep as the Gobshite stood up and bowed somewhat sheepishly.

Alerted by the noise, I was there to open the gate for her to go back and try again. This time I have upped the anti and she will now have to attempt to shimmy under a large block of wood.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

February 10th

Flossom, on hearing that The Gobshite Lollypop has taken up dancing, decided to become her mentor.

The new improved Gobshite was revealed today...

 

February 13th
I have to teach a class a new program which I have just downloaded to take a look at - always a good idea before you have to teach something.
‘How hard can it be’ I asked myself before I opened the program.

Imagine my surprise when I opened the program and it turned into My Mother - “You know,” it said, “I don’t know why you just can’t keep things in order” and it set about the monumental (or just plain mental) task of reorganising all *2 million photographs on my hard drive.

I have 2 days which to write my lesson plan and so far it looks like this.

Learning Picasa with Cathy Dee
WEEK 1. In which we learn that Picasa puts ORGAN before ISATION.
WEEK 2. Picasa - still tidying up your filing system.
WEEK 3. File handling and sorting - the Picasa way.
WEEK 4. Picasa or My Mother - both brilliant at organising stuff.

It’s going to be a riveting course.

*I may have exaggerated by a naught or two the actual number of photographs on my hard drive**.
** Actual number possibly more in the billions.

February 14th
Zeus has a new rabbit catching costume courtesy of Flossom, who is suddenly in charge of wardrobe attire.
“What rabbit”, she explained, “could possibly think to run away from a camp old dude with a walking stick and a cigar”.
“It’s a costume for all eventualities” said Zeus, proudly inflating his chest.
“Oh?”
“Yes,” said Zeus, “the pants are inflatable”.

 

February 15th
Worming Day rolled around again.

Persil, fresh back from a thrilling ride, slurped the wormer straight out of the tube and smacked his lips appreciatively.
“Crikey”, he said, “that’ll put hairs on your chest”.

The Phantom couldn’t wait to try it after hearing that; I didn’t even have to put a halter on him.

As usual, Nibbler wasn’t having a bar of it.
It’s gone way beyond him hating the wormer itself and become a code of honour for him to dance around with his head in the air on tip toes for at twenty minutes before accepting the inevitable.

The Phantom, Persil and I leaned on the gate waiting for His Nibs to finish his act.
He did, with a flourish and I handed him his wormer which he guzzled after checking to make sure the mares next door were watching.

“Refreshing stuff” he yelled at them, before lighting a cigar and joining us at the gate.*

*Nibbler may or may not have lit an actual cigar.

February 16th
As I’ve been working a bit lately, the dogs have been in charge of Homeland Security.
I held a little meeting with them to make sure they understood the enormity of this task.

“Partly”, I said, “What would you do if a stranger came up the drive”.
Partly bounced up, tail flapping wildly,
“Is someone coming?” he yelped.
“No, but IF they did?”
“When are they coming?”
“They’re NOT coming Partly, but just suppose it was someone you didn’t know”.
“Someone new?” both dogs were barking wildly now, galloping round in circles tossing a stick in the air.
“PARTLY BLUETT!!!” I was yelling, completely exasperated, “SIT DOWN both of you!”.

They dropped to the ground and looked up at me expectantly as I glared ferociously at them.
Then Partly cleared his throat.

“Well”, he said, “I clearly won’t be showing them where I’ve buried my new bone”.

 

February 17th

Zeus’s Inflatable Rabbit Catching pants have been accessorised.
They now come with a pair of oars, a pocket full of Nums nums (fuel) and a GPS system.

“A GPS system?” I gasped, terribly impressed that Flossom not only knows what one is but actually managed to install it too.
“Yes” she said, “that would be the Gobby Portly Siamese inside the pants”.

 

 

 

 

 

February 18th
The horses have moved into the sheep paddock to help the sheep tidy up a bit.
It has lots of trees and a stream to splash about in.
“Sheep” sighed Persil gloomily, “they’re so boring”.
The Phantom nudged him, “We could play Tic Tac Toe with them,” he said and Persil brightened up immediately.
I was delighted, I could imagine them all seated in the shade of the trees chatting happily while engrossed in board games.

Then I snapped out of my dream in time to see the Phantom and Persil galloping around rearranging the sheep in the Tic Tac Toe configuration. Nibbler was keeping score.

February 21st
Brent is away again so the House God has become ‘Man about the Pillow’.

He snuggled down next to me sighing happily while stretching his toes. Then he began singing right in my ear. No sooner had he finished a couple of songs when he started chatting away about his day.

When he began to talk about his plans for World Domination a Siamese Takeover I’m afraid I had to kick him out; 2 AM is not the time to start talking to me about your plans for a new world order.

 

 

February 27th
* After the earthquake on the 22nd Feb, it seemed somehow disrespectful - in light of the enormity of the tragedy to write anything as seemingly trivial and pointless as the Riot Diaries, however at the urging of many people who tell me that they need the diversion, I continue - in memory and in tribute to those who lost their lives, the families and people who have lost everything they held dear and the tireless Search and Rescue people who still continue day after heartbreaking day to sift through the rubble for signs of life.

Islamb went AWOL.
She had been missing in action for a number of days and, as it had been raining and there was no sign of her anywhere, I sadly assumed she had drowned and been swept away in the water race.

All the sheep were depressed, especially the Gobshite Lollypop, who wandered around mournfully, accompanied (sweetly) by either Bedlamb or Lambo.

When Brent got back from Auckland, we decided to do one more search, this time in the next door paddock which is full of sheep including a ram.
Accompanied by The House God and the dogs, we wandered over.

The sheep scattered bar one, who stood there, looking rather guilty.
Islamb.
“Em”, she said, “Righto, fair cop Guv”. (A turn of phrase she has purloined off Nibbler)
She turned to the Ram, “I have to go now Roger” she said, “See you again”.
Roger winked slyly at her, “It’s been, emotional” he said.
I glared at him, “You realise, “I said, sternly, “That Islamb here, is just a lamb”.
He opened his eyes in horror.
“She told me she was a Two Tooth” he said.

We must have looked like the start of a bad joke on the way home...
Two dogs, a cat and a lamb, were walking up the road....

 

February 28th
It is time for the House God’s annual Check-up at the vets.I booked him for Wednesday 2 PM, a couple of weeks ago.
At 11 AM he disappeared . Sticky came in at 1.30 PM, with a message from His Lordship.
He was sorry to say he’d had to miss his appointment as there was a important meeting he’d had to attend.
“God Stuff” said Sticky enigmatically.

I rang the vet and re-booked for this Monday 3 PM.
I kept an eye on him all morning and all morning he lay on his back in his bean bag in the sun snoring gently and happily.
At 12 PM he went out for his constitution, promising faithfully to be back in half an hour.
At 2 PM Sticky came in with a note...

It has to be asked - what sort of Space Aliens deliver their captive home in time for dinner?

 

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