The Riot Diaries

May 13th

I went to the GYM again this morning where I met my GYM BUDDY Janine.

We shuffled round on the running machines for a bit and then went down to the weights room where I was dying to show off a new trick I’ve been practicing at home involving a Pilates Ball.

You get on top of it and balance on all fours; if you’re really good at it you should be able to stand up on two legs and maybe even one. I can do this quite easily on my Pilates Ball at home.

Today at the GYM however, I kept tumbling off the ball. “I don’t know what’s got into me this morning “, I growled, “I’m actually a bit of an expert at this on our Pilates Ball at home, I can even stand on one leg and wave my arms around”, I said this loudly meaning to impress Jaron, our GYM instructor.

“You mean the one you’ve not blown up yet?” said Janine.

It’s only been a week and already she is on to me.

May 14th

Why is it that when Psychic Mediums get to ‘talk’ to dead people, the conversation is about as interesting as piece of laundry lint.

Things like ”Tell Flossie I like her hairstyle”.
And “I notice you’ve repainted the walls”, or “tell Auntie Tottie Happy Birthday”.

If I died and came back for a chat, I’m pretty sure I’d be busting to talk about my adventures and who I’d met…

“You’ll never guess who I ran into the other day…God, yes…God!, he’s had a haircut and he’s got a very nice new girlfriend and he’s taken up computer gaming which explains why he hasn’t got around to helping out in Myanmar yet…”

And then I’d try to think of some unbelievably wise wisdom to impart like “The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity” because I’ve noticed that when live people get messages from dead people they tend to remember them so now would be the time to impart some of the knowledge I’d have learned since being dead.

And that would be about all I’d have time for, because if I’m in that ‘better place’ these mediums speak about, I’d have an absolute pile of horses top feed and ride.

May 16th

The Horses got their nails done today.
There was an atmosphere like a health spa.

The Phantom had his done first, he was still damp from a hosing after a tough workout this morning and his hair was all tousled after I’d towel dried him. He happily received a head massage from the apprentice farrier.

Persil enjoyed his toe massage and nail trim so much, he almost fell asleep and Nibbler held his feet up helpfully and admired the farrier’s leather tool belt.

Later that afternoon I noticed The Phantom and Persil sitting around checking out each other’s nails.

“Nice job,” said Persil, “yes”, said The Phantom, “did you notice how he rounded off the edges here?”

May 17th

Brent and I spent a very pleasant day in town.
We went out to lunch and then we bought a book each.

I bought Richard Dawkins – The Ancestors Tale and Brent bought yet another Ian M Banks novel – he already owns about 50 of them.

Zeuss sniffed at our books when we got home. “What’s this”? he yelled, “You can’t eat that”.
“I bet Flossom could eat it”, said Grommart.
They both looked at Flossy who sat puffed up and magnificent in her full winter coat glaring down at them both from the top of the cat gym.

“What flavour is it?” she asked hopefully.

May 18th

Persil got to go out for a ride with Aura – the pretty little Arab mare – his new best friend.

Nibbler was so furious; he staged a sit down in the middle of the paddock.
“I can’t believe she went out with that little Aussie Tosser”, he raged.

“Oh look”, said Persil perkily pointing at Nibbler, when we got back, “I can’t believe it’s not Buddah”.

May 19th

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The problem is this…convincing people they have to have what I can do.
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May 20th

The House God seems to be having trouble understanding the concept of the word NO.

“I hear what you are saying”, he said, regurgitating the ‘corporate speak’ my brother Chris taught him at Christmas, “but I am not sure you understand the consequences”.

We were discussing my refusal to serve up his dinner at 3pm instead of the usual 5pm.

“NO”, I said, “What part of N.O. do you not understand?”

“That would be the NO bit actually” he said.

“I am NOT giving you your dinner now Zeuss”.

“But I’m empty” he said, “I need fuel”.

“NO, you don’t Zeuss, GO AWAY”.

He followed me into the bathroom and managed to unroll an entire roll of toilet paper while I washed my hands.

“Starving,” he moaned plaintively.

“GO AWAY”.

I walked into the kitchen as Zeuss sprinted past me, leapt up onto the bench skidding across it so fast; he lost control, flew off the end of it and landed on top of the previously happily snoring Flossom.

The ensuing fight resulted in both cats being banned from the house until dinner time – at 5pm as usual.