July 24th

My Mother has been very perky lately.

She’s been busy sorting out ‘stuff’ for my Aunt Joy, and if there’s one thing MY Mother loves to do, it’s sorting and organizing stuff.

“So what sort of ‘stuff’ are you sorting Mum?” I asked.

“Oh you know”, she said, “all sorts of tidilly poms”.

Talking to my Mother these days requires the code breaking skills of the CIB, fortunately I am usually able to crack it however, the next piece of news was a little more difficult – “You’ll never guess who has been in to see Joy,” she said breathlessly.

Several possibilities ran through my mind including, Bono, The Pope and Elvis Presley before I had to concede that she was right, I would never guess, “Who?” I asked.

“What’s her name who used to live, well you know where they used to live, the one who was married to thingame,” she said.

Fantastic; they really should get my Mother to read the News at 6.

July 25th

My elderly Aunt Joy is determined to get herself an electric wheel chair.

She went from a snazzy little car in which she clocked up multiple speeding tickets to a very sporty looking mobility scooter (the highly polished floors of her rest home have since been redecorated with black rubber tyre tracks on every corner).

She’s now quite keen on getting an electric wheelchair but hers will need modifications.

For a start, it will need a large drinks cabinet and a roll cage.

July 26th

My Mother has got some hearing aids, finally.

For the amount of money they cost I was surprised to hear her say you can’t even see them. If I had designed them on that sort of budget, I would have combined an antennae into a sort of fascinator, dripping with jewels and feathers. I’d have made it so that she could pick up the concert program and be located by GPS no matter where she is.

“So, can you hear any better?” I asked.

“Well, yes”, she said, “Mostly I can hear myself and I seem to make a lot of noise”.