The Riot Diaries
Jan 29th
Persil is back in work and loving it.
I took him over to the trotting track for a look. He was all eyes and ears and
busting to meet every horse in sight to ask them what they did for a living.
It was a lot like taking My Mother to a Museum.
He raced up to objects of interest, stared at them for five minutes then looked
for a horse he could quiz about its use before bustling on, full of knowledge.
I just know he is storing it all up ready to tell The Phantom over drinks later
that evening.
Jan 30th
The Phantom and I went for a big ride at speed.
I’m trying to ‘zchush’ him up as he’s been very lazy
and irresponsible lately.
We cantered happily along the wide grass verges at a good clip thoroughly enjoying
ourselves. When we got back, he was hot and sweaty so I offered him a Hose Down.
He jumped at the chance which surprised me as he hates getting wet.
“Can I invite Persil?” he said. I looked at him doubtfully, “if
you think he would like it,” I replied.
“Hey Persil”, he yelled, “I’m having a Hoe Down, want
to come?”
Persil, who loves a good Hoe Down, came galloping over immediately.
They tap danced excitedly beside me as we made our way over to the hose.
“Practising some new moves,” bragged The Phantom, blissfully oblivious
of my motion to turn the hose on.
“Yehaa” yelled Persil as he veered away bucking and cavorting, “Check
this move out”, and he galloped out of hose reach.
Jan 31st
I
had to go to the doctor, I’ve been unwell for a couple of weeks
now and I finally dragged myself along to see what the story is.
Brent came too. He has a pathological fear of doctors and needles, to him, the
two are inextricably linked. I’ve tried to explain that many other people,
disguised as ordinary citizens use needles too (Knitters, people who darn or
sew, Cooks – depending on your pronunciation of Needle) to no avail
“Kidney infection” said the Doctor, which brightened my day considerably.
This would explain why I’ve felt even crappier than normal for two whole
weeks.
“Will she be having an injection?” asked Brent.
I pushed him out the door before he had any more bright ideas.
When we got home, D. I. Zeuss was anxiously waiting. I’d told him I was
going to the ‘vet’ and he wanted to check me for missing limbs. “All
present and correct,” he declared to the other cats when he had completed
his cat scan.
“Did you get vaccinated”, asked Grommart.
“All that and worming tablets too”, said Brent gleefully shaking
my antibiotics.
Feb
1st
The Phantom and I went for another long road ride. I’m getting him habituated to Bikes, Trucks, Goats and Road Markings.
The council has just re-sprayed the Stop sign markings and the new paint is very bright and sparkles. Of course The Phantom noticed this from about a mile away.
“I’M NOT GOING NEAR THAT!!” he roared.
“Yes you are”.
“NO I’M NOT”
“YES YOU ARE”.
We argued our way up to the new paint. I pushed him on intending that he walk sensibly over it. He jumped and cleared it by about six feet.
“Whew,” he said, “you just never know how high those things are”.
Feb 2nd
I
had to get some blood tests done.
To my surprise I was ushered in
as soon as I got there by an overenthusiastic phlebotomist with a
personality disorder.
“Hi there,” I said, being of friendly disposition, “I actually just came to read your magazines and chit chat in the waiting room”. “Sit down,” she said sternly.
“I’ve got nervous veins”, I said, “they
see a needle and they disappear”.
“We’ll see about that,” she said, promptly selecting
the biggest needle I’ve ever seen used on a human, obviously
reserved for smart-arses like myself.
Before I had time to slide out the door, she’d slapped a tourniquet
on me and jabbed me with the sort of force needed to inoculate a
bull. I jumped backwards with a yelp.
“OH!” she said, “well THAT doesn’t help”.
Later at home, I relayed my story of pain to Brent, I was hoping
for a sympathetic ear.
“I don’t know what her problem was,” I wailed, “Last
time I was there I struck a great nurse”. “And she didn’t
mind?” said
Brent.
I looked at him with a raised eyebrow – it’s a technique I’ve perfected for eliciting more information. “That you struck her,” said Brent.
Feb 3rd
Brent and I were out for most of the day.
We left Flossom, the World’s Second Laziest P.A. (Next to J. Beinstein) to field phone calls, faxes, Jehovahs Witnesses etc.
When we got home, Flossy was exactly where we had left her, 6 hours before; on the bed, sprawled out flat on her back in the sun, looking supremely comfortable, propped, as she was between two cushions.
“Well Flossy?” said Brent, “Any phone calls?”
“Mrrrm”.
“And what exactly have you achieved today, Flossom?”
She yawned and stretched, “I could do with a snack” she said, “its not easy being a Personal Assistant you know”.
After she had polished off a plateful of ‘Festive Ham’, she sauntered up to Brent, and sat beside him on the arm of his chair. “Now, about my pay rise…” she said.
Feb 4th
Persil is being allowed out at for some night-time verge-side grazing. He’s very good and doesn’t go very far. Brent and I wandered down to collect him at about 10pm. It was nice in the cool, quiet, evening with Persil happily swinging along beside us.
Suddenly a great booming voice rang out across the paddock, “PUT your paws in the air and step forward”. We did as we were told.
“Now step back”.
I looked at Brent, he shrugged and we stepped back.
“Now put your right foot forward and shake it all about” the voice boomed as D. I. Zeuss stepped forward into the moonlight, closely followed by his new Deputy, The Phantom.
D. I. Zeuss looked very pleased with himself, The Phantom was having trouble stifling the giggles.
“You are all under HORSE arrest, we are here to escort you home, do NOT try to escape or we shall make you do the entire Hokey Tokey”, said D. I. Zeuss.
“Crikey,” said Persil, “I’d say the Detective has had a bit much Festive Ham”.