The Riot Diaries
Feb
5th
Constable Phantom has been assisting D. I. Zeuss with his ongoing enquiries
into Badger’s missing leg.
I found the Constable shaking one of my gumboots vigorously up and down.
“Phantom…what the?”
“Missing legs”, he said, “I’m looking for a missing leg”.
“But what makes you think it would be in my gumboot?”
“It has been my observation”, said Phantom, who was beginning to
sound remarkably like D. I. Zeuss, “that legs go in here”.
I took it off him and returned it to the porch.
Ten minutes later I looked up from my computer to see him carting one of Brent’s
running shoes off for inspection. I went out to return it and bumped into Persil
on the way, “Thorough isn’t he”, said Persil.
Feb 6th
Having a Deputy in the field, is allowing D. I. Zeuss to concentrate on the more important aspects of solving crime. This seems, on the outside at least, to consist of snoozing in the sun, but D. I. Zeuss assured me that he was, in fact, digesting important information.
“In the form of a large rabbit,” said Flossom.
I turned to Zeuss for confirmation, one look at the suspiciously rabbit shaped lump in his belly was all I needed.
“My informant told me,” said D. I. Zeuss, “that the suspect I cleverly apprehended last night, was seen hopping away from the scene of the crime”.
“What crime?”
“The LEG HEIST”, bellowed D. I. Zeuss, twitching his whiskers for effect, “and there is only ONE reason for a suspect to be HOPPING, and we ALL know what THAT is”…he looked to the others for confirmation, “An extra leg!” yelled Grommart, brimming with enthusiasm and excitement.
“Well done that cat”, said D. I. Zeuss.
“Zeuss,” I said, “I hate to burst your bubble, but your suspect was a rabbit and hopping is what rabbits do best”.
But it was too late, Zeuss was oblivious to any argument, he’d gone back to crime solving, bathed, as he was, in the warm afternoon sun, stretched out comfortably on his favourite cushion.
Feb 7th
Flossom MacFearsome, the 2nd laziest P.A. in the world, is thinking about a change of career.
“Ballet Dancer.”
Zeuss guffawed loudly, “I think you mean BELLY dancer” he said.
Flossy ignored him and continued, “I like the costumes,” she said dreamily.
I carried her out of Zeuss’s hearing, “Flossy”, I said, “You can’t just get up on stage in a nice costume and sleep, you know”.
She pulled her face away from my ear and glared at me, “Obviously”,
she said, “You’ve never heard of Sleeping Beauty”.
Feb 8th
Flossom’s
production of The Sleeping Beauty is in full swing.
She is taking the role very seriously, rehearsing her part for up to ten hours a day.
Zeuss, surprisingly volunteered for the role of the Handsome Prince.
“Halloo”, he said, “I believe the Prince is handsome and charming and we all know there’s only one cat around here who fits those specifications”.
I was amazed to see Sticky nodding happily. I took him aside and gave him a cuddle, “You don’t mind that Zeuss gets to play the Prince?”
He smirked, “Ah, noo,” he said, “You see, Zeuss hasn’t read the script; we’ll see just how handsome and charming the Prince is feeling when he gets to the part where he has to KISS The Sleeping Beauty”.
Feb 9th
There is less than a week to go before Flossom’s production of Sleeping Beauty makes its debut, and Zeuss has made no attempt to learn his lines.
“N.A.R.” he boasted, “No Acting Required”.
He’s convinced that all he has to do is prance about the stage being charming and handsome.
I caught sight of Flossom, diligently rehearsing the art of unconciousness in the middle of a warm mound of hay.
“Zeuss”, I sighed, “Do you even know what Sleeping Beauty is about?”
“Of course I do,” he retorted, “It’s about a handsome and charming prince”.
“And the Sleeping Beauty bit?”
“Well, that’s the Prince’s horse, sort of like BLACK beauty only this horse sleeps a lot”.
“So I gather, Flossy would be playing the part of the horse?”
“Oh No”, he said, “Just the arse end”.
Feb 10th
Of
all times for The Holey Underpants to put in an appearance.
I asked Zeuss what he thought his costume should be like
and guess what he brought home.
“Of course, they need some adjustments,” he said, “but think
of the significance, they’ll be like the Holy Grail”.
“Wrong story I think Zeuss,” I said, but he wasn’t having a
bar of it.
As far as Zeuss is concerned, the tale of The Sleeping Beauty goes along the
lines of Handsome and Charming Prince strides in looking for his sleeping horse
and finds a pair of jewel encrusted (no doubt this was some of the adjustments
he was talking about) Y Fronts, which of course, as you do, he tries on. To his
amazement – and no doubt that of the audience; they fit perfectly, proving
that the Handsome and Charming Prince, is actually a God.
Meanwhile, his horse,
fast asleep on a large plush cushion, wakes up and confirms that the Prince,
is indeed a God, and that the underpants, previously a pair of traumatized Y
Fronts, are in fact, The Holy Underpants, unwearable by anyone but a God.
“And then?” I asked.
“What?” he said, “You want more?”
“Well, yes, actually. You can’t just end it there; the audience will
be hanging out for more”.
“How about a free set of Kitchen Ginzu Knives”, he said, washing
his face thoughtfully.
Feb 11th
A rogue kitchen knife leapt off the bench and stabbed Brent in the foot.
I heard a piercing shriek and raced out to the kitchen to find him doubled up on the floor gasping for breath.
I managed to get him up and onto the couch where he promptly fainted. Expecting to see a severed foot, I gingerly lifted the towel he had thrown over his leg. The colour had completely drained from his face and he was sweating profusely.
It was a Man-Cut. Nothing a small band-aid wouldn’t fix.
“I think I’d better go to emergency,” Brent
said weakly.
Nurse Possovitz appeared out of nowhere and prepared to take his pulse. I left her to it while I gathered emergency supplies for a man in pain; Beer, Pizza, and the remote control for the T.V.
When I returned I checked his foot, “It’s still attached,” I said, but he looked doubtful. “Take a look”, I said, “it’s not that bad”. He did, and he passed out again.
Later, happily propped up with pillows and a blanket on the couch, munching pizza with his personal nurse and watching Badger hopping around on her three legs, he said “Now I know what she must be feeling like”.
I looked at Nurse Possovitz who rolled her eyes, “We should probably amputate,” she said.