(That Totally Don't Work)

Or - A Portrait Photographer’s Descent into Delusional Optimism

You’d think that as a portrait photographer — someone who literally captures the human connection — I’d be amazing at connecting with humans.

Ha. Hilarious. Here's the Thing...

It turns out, that taking a great photo, and convincing people to let you take one are two completely different skill sets.

At the urging of the fab marketing course I am now doing, I went to work and not only ‘defined my area of expertise’, but found someone to declare it to.

"I shoot people and pets" I told the first person I saw this morning, who happened to be our Postie.

This was met with stony silence.

I probably should work a little more on defining my area of expertise.

Let me tell you the story of what I've tried so far, I'm thinking of turning it into a Musical...

Without further ado, I give you…

“Marketing My Portrait Photography: A Tragicomedy in Three Acts”

Act One: The Social Media Circus

Step one in modern marketing: “Just post your work online!” they say.

So, without checking first to see who THEY is, I do.

I spend an hour looking through my files for the perfect photograph, it's a beautiful Fine Art work of a small girl with her large pony.

Another half-hour spent crafting the perfect caption and then I post it at the “optimal engagement time” according to the latest algorithmic prophecy according to Farcebook.

'And what happens then?', I hear you ask breathlessly, having just rushed inside after chasing a defiant hen out of the garden for the 5th time that day.

“This post reached 8 people.”

Eight. Who were they – Snow White and the Seven Dwarves?
That’s fewer than the number of lenses I’ve convinced myself (and my husband) that I “need.”

The one LIKE I was awarded with was from my Best Friend.

Meanwhile, a random stranger posts a blurry selfie of their lunch with the caption “Mondays 😩” — and it gets 4,282 likes!

I try to engage back. I comment on posts – and instantly regret it.

I Follow people – then unfollow as my feed becomes cluttered with mind numbingly boring posts about food or make-up.

I share a post about my cat (Bjork) being ‘lewd’, it’s a crap photo taken on my phone, and I can’t believe it, but I get about 50 LIKES!

Spoiler: no one books a photoshoot, but I do get a spam message offering to sell me followers.

Act Two: The Ads Nobody Sees

Next up: The Paid Advertisement.

Surely, if I throw money at the problem, Farcebook will shower me with bookings.

Spoiler: it did not.

I spent hours targeting my “ideal demographic” — people who love pets, live nearby, and have faces.

I wrote heartfelt ad copy:

“You and your pet deserve to be recognised as the masterpiece you both are.” Well maybe not that exact wording…

And what did I get?

Zero leads. But somehow, I did get 47 new followers from suspiciously named accounts like “CryptoMark44 and “ChrisPBacon66.”

Even Bjork looked disappointed in me.

A disappointed cat — Bjork with her 'disappointed' look

Act Three: Networking and the Word of Mouth

(a.k.a. My Best Friend Again)

Everyone says networking is key.

So I attend a local market, armed with my best smile and a stack of business cards that cost more than my weekly groceries.

“Hi, I’m a portrait photographer!” I say cheerfully, being careful not to mention anything about shooting people and pets this time.

Cue a blank computational stare.

Then: “Oh, cool! My cousin has an iPhone — she takes good photos too!”

Excellent. Love that for me.

“Just rely on word of mouth!” people say.

Fabulous.

Except the only person currently hard at work talking about my photography is, once again, my best friend.

And she is out there telling her horses all about what I am up to.

Thanks, Petal. Awesome.

Photographer's horses in the mist — Two of my horses - Zephyr & Marshall Art playing ‘ad it up to ‘ere’ on a misty Autumn morning

The Moral of the Story

Marketing as a portrait photographer seems a lot like taking a self-portrait while juggling flaming rolls of film : a ridiculous waste of time which is also dangerous to my sanity.

Until next week, when I post another photo and get…Two likes.

One from my Best Friend and one from CryptoMark44.