(With a Camera...)

This Photographer’s Guide to Surviving Children

Small Child with grandparent in background

Let me start by saying this: I did not go into photography to chase tiny humans through grassy paddocks while they scream "NO" and hurl dried horse pooh at my lens.

No no no.
Instead, I dreamed of moody, dramatic lighting, wistful posing in one place, and maybe, just maybe—a portrait or two where no one wipes their nose on my pants.

But alas. It turns out I'm good at it, and even more incredible, I actually really enjoy it! (Shhhh!)

So if you're like me—someone who is pretty sure they would rather photograph a dying cactus than a sugar fueled 3-year-old—this guide is for you.

Prep like you're going to war

You’re not just walking into a park. You’re entering a battlefield of unpredictability, mood swings, and snot.
Bring backups of everything: batteries, SD cards, lens cloths and wet wipes, and most importantly, make sure the parents bring plenty of snacks. You'll need them.

Bribes are not unethical. They are essential

I used to think lollies were a cop-out. “Let’s capture their authentic spirit,” I said.

Nope. Their authentic spirit is feral chaos.

I've learned the importance of carrying a back pack full of mini marshmallows and gummy bears. It's called reward based training and it works perfectly for all small mammals.

Did I trade a 'jet plane' for 10 seconds of direct eye contact? You bet I did. Do I regret it? Absolutely not.

Forget posing. Embrace ‘movement’

Trying to pose a child is like trying to herd a bunch of cats who just snorted a bag of catnip.

So now, instead of “Sit and stay,” I intend to say, “Check out that mud puddle!” and shoot on burst mode like my life depends on it. I'm going to lure them out of the puddle and towards me with a bag full of gummy crocodiles.

It turns out, parents LOVE those muddy, joy-filled candids.
They call it "natural."
I call it "the best I could do while attempting to tame your children."

There will be crying…

and the children might cry too.

Look, someone’s going to have a meltdown.
Possibly the child. Possibly you.
Possibly the parent when they see their toddler eating a worm mid-shoot.

It’s fine.
Let the emotions flow.
Capture it.
Call it “documentary-style” and charge extra.

Parents are paying you, but the child is in charge

The power dynamic is weird. The 2-year-old is the CEO, and you’re the intern just trying not to get fired.
You’ll find yourself saying things like:

“Yes, Mr. John, you may check out my camera bag.”
“Of course, Miss Sophie, we can do the photo after you’ve licked that tree.”
“Absolutely, I will bark like a dog if that gets your attention.”

There is no shame.
Only survival.

Every child has exactly a 5-minute sweet spot

Find it. Exploit it.

There is a golden moment when the stars align: the child is fed, the parents aren’t directing said child, and you’re not having an existential crisis.

This window is brief. You have approximately 15 seconds to get THE SHOT before someone takes off their shoes and decides they’re done.

Move fast. Work like a cocaine snorting greyhound with a soft toy.

At the end of the day... it's all worth it

Okay, fine.
Yes, I grumble. I roll my eyes.
I come home covered in dirt, stickers, and mysterious goo.

But then I look at the images. And Holy crap if they aren’t adorable. There’s something magical about capturing those fleeting moments of childhood—pure joy, wild imagination, and faces smeared with popsicle.

It’s not my dream job. But it turns out, I’m weirdly good at it. And while I may not love kids, I absolutely do love the photos.

Just don’t ask me to babysit.